Reply to 7 Year Old DD: Controlling Behavior?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She punished you by not eating when you didn't make her lunch.  Or thought she did.  She's the one who didn't eat. In cases like that tell her it's fine if she chooses not to eat.  Food was available.  Her behavior needs to be shut down.[/quote]

This is anxiety. She needs to learn to work through that - you can't discipline her out of it.[/quote]

That said, there's a way to do both at the same time.

She needs support working through the anxious feelings.  Noticing them when they surge up and flood her mind and body.  And then figuring out what to do next.  (Ex.  Take three slow, deep breaths before saying or doing anything . . . a few cycles of slowly and silently tap her left thumb with each finger on that hand before responding . . . . naming the feeling silently with an I-statement ('I'm really frustrated because . . . . )

She needs empathy and help to learn to cope with her "big feelings" -- notice/observe them, find an effective way to slow down and not respond impulsively, and then choose a more appropriate way to express or manage her feelings.

Which leads me to to the second part.  The PP is right about this part.  There's no reason you should tolerate awful outbursts or inappropriate behavior while she's also learning to work through her anxiety.  It doesn't have to be harsh discipline.  And you should be careful not to use shame as a tool here.  But there's a way to be both kind and consistent when noticing and calling out her poor behavior every single time, and imposing a natural consequence in response.  Otherwise, you're only helping her deepen her habit of over-respnding to her anxious feelings in an inappropriate way.

Try your best to seperate this issue into two parts:  her triggering feelings (possibly anxiety) and her poor behavior (explosive outbursts etc.)  There really is a way to be both firm about handling her bad BEHAVIOR while also being empathetic about her FEELINGS.  It's not either/or.  [/quote]

THANK YOU. I see what you're saying. I'll be working on that. [/quote]

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