Reply to 7 Year Old DD: Controlling Behavior?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We see some flashes of that with our DD who definitely has some anxieties. I try to talk through those worries in quiet moments and we role play situations that feel overwhelming to her (navigating social stuff on the playground, for example). Enforce your normal limits on things (don't pick up stuff on command, and require her to do it; don't tolerate mean or unkind behavior towards brother), but then look for a quiet time when you might suss out if something else is going on at school that is causing her to worry or be anxious.[/quote]

Thank you! I can't tolerate mean behaviors, but I'm trying to be more measured in my responses and not escalate. She's so secretive about what happens in school. And hates talking about what's bothering her. ([b]Worst of all, she gets that from me[/b].)[/quote]

Let this part go.

She doesn't "get that from [you]".  She's her own person and she's got her own strengths and challenges.  Focus on her as her.

I say this not to be a scold, but to encourage you not to feel guilty or take undue responsibility for aspects of her personality and behavior that are hers, not yours.  Sure, she shares some of your genetics.  And sure, she probably models some of your behavior.  But by focusing on yourself, you're taking your eye off the ball here.

Focus on getting her to think about her feelings.  My guess is there's some anxiety churning underneath.  Controlling behaviors (and disproportional/explosive responses when efforts to control doesn't work) are common markers of anxiety.

Not saying it's a big deal and something that would require a therapist.  Maybe it is.  But maybe it's not.  For now, I'd focus on finding ways to help her notice her feelings and put words around them.  Even a little bit.

Here are two books that helped our DD some at that age (more so at age 9):

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3AS6YC1QYGX9XB7FVEQT

Both were recommended to me by others on this board.  Good resources.[/quote]

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