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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a 42 year old woman.  I am married to what appears to everyone in public to be the "perfect man" - well educated, kind, a great father, decent provider, etc.  We have two lovely teen girls together.  However, about three years ago, I found myself in a very unhappy place and, in a lapse of judgement, I had a furtive, torrid affair with a guy I met at the gym.  In any case, my DH discovered the affair.  He kicked me out of the house (I came home to literrally find my bags on the doorstep and the locks changed), separating me from my DDs, and told me not to come back until I ended the affair with the OM and would agree to counseling. I briefly moved in with the OM, but then decided that I wanted my DH and my family back!

DH, however, has been very (I think unfairly) strict with me.  He told me to get an apartment on my own, find a job (I was a SAHM who had been out of the workforce for a good 12 years.  I am now working a job with a non-profit that is low paid - $20 - $30K - even though I have an Ivy education) and to seek individual therapy before we do family therapy.  He says he wants to know all the sexual details of my relationship with OM and that I should be willing to do with DH anything I did with OM and that he may want to explore having an open relationship.

I just want to get my old life back, but I think DH needs to stop being so mean!!! I realize I did wrong, that the source of my unhappiness that led to the affair was me and not DH (I was bored SAHM) and that I can work on regaining DH's trust.  I feel if he is asking for the open relationship, I am in danger of losing him permanently.  We are in Virginia and I also fear that he may use my affair and the separation - coming up on 8 months - as the grounds for a divorce and that he would use it against me in any property or other settlement, leaving me with nothing.  I am so sad and angry at the same time, but mostly at myself for getting into this situation.  If anyone can sympathize or give me some good advice, I would appreciate it.[/quote]

Op I think that this is the best advice that you're going to get.  There is no way to undo what you've done.  Even 3 year olds learn the hard way that when they smash their birthday cake in a fit of temper that cake is not ever going to look the same again.  You either find a way to appreciate that mess of a cake or you toss it in the trash and go get yourself a new one...

Victim of cheater here.  Wanting to know the details is normal for some people.  Some people want to know, others don't.  You must respect your partner (whom you victimized).  If he wants to know the details, then you have a choice -- tell or don't tell but leave.  If you refuse to tell, or tell but with a spin or omission that is later left out, it's a deal breaker for your partner.  The reason it's a deal breaker is that if you won't divulge details, it means that you are keeping secrets and that is the root of affair behavior.

A affair perpetrator who withholds requested details from the partner who asks for them is demonstrating that they are not willing to admit to (and thus accept responsibility  for) the affair behavior and reasons for the affair.  Believing that you should be able to keep this private is manipulative to your partner -- you are asking him to make decisions about his life (i.e. getting back together with you) on the basis of information that you are manipulating/hiding.  That is not fair.  He deserves to know whatever details he wants and then make whatever decision he feels comfortable with.  He may ask for an open relationship.  Then you have to consider whether that is something you want.

My advice is to tell him anything he wants to know about the affair, within some kind of limited timeframe, i.e. for the next month you can ask me anything you want and I will tell you, but after that I think it will be time for us to decide how to move on wether individually or together.  Then tell him.  Be honest.  Don't omit things or try to spin them in your favor.  But, also don't embellish stories to "twist the knife" as another suggested.  If he wants to know something painful, respect him and tell him what he asks about.  It is up to him whether he wants to know and thinks he can handle the information.  Even if it turns out to be damaging, this is HIS choice.

Also, I hate to break this to you -- you are never getting your old life back.  Even if you and your DH get back together in a monogamous relationship, it will not be your old life. [/quote][/quote]

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