Reply to How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

[url]https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.[/url]

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.[/quote]

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.  [/quote]

PP, rest assured that most women and many men tend to see people and things for who they are. If your exDH is truly as toxic as you say, other people see it, and either empathize with what you must have put up with, or are quietly rooting for your happiness. A good friend of mine was left by her very professionally successful husband (with three young kids, one who was an infant).  He and I still work together and are cordial. We say hi and I ask about the kids. But I know the back story of what happened and this guy is a monster. We keep it moving in the workplace because there's no room for drama but trust, everyone knows what's up. Keep your head up.[/quote]

I think you illustrated what I’m saying. Even if people see through my exDH, he still enjoys cordial interactions at work and a career where people treat him with professional respect. His colleagues aren’t exactly calling me and saying “I see your truth.” Meanwhile, I had even my best friends questioning what I might have done for this to happen, did I see it coming, is there an affair. And when I say no to every question, the unspoken thing hanging in the air is that I must have messed up somehow.

TLDR: no one wants to get into the messiness of interacting differently with the DH who walks away or risking their career to give him any kind of social censure, so they give him more politeness than he deserves and the DW bears the social and reputations burden of his behavior. Every time.[/quote]

Consider that the “unspoken” doubts or chastisement are mostly in your head.

How can you know what others are thinking?[/quote]

If people are saying out loud that there must have been an affair or you must have seen it coming, that sound pretty spoken, actually. They’re throwing doubt at “didn't see it coming” and suggesting you should have. Which is hurtful and blaming.[/quote]

They are ASKING if you did, not saying you must have. It is like people who kept asking if I felt sick before I was diagnosed with cancer. That stems from how scary it is to realize that you can be blindsided by life-changing news, which comes with no advance warning.

The question did not mean people doubted my answer. It just means they could rest easier if we lived in a more predictable world. You are the bearer of threatening news. But you need to understand that it does not reflect back on you negatively.

I really think a lot of the judgement you feel is being projected. Try to open your mind to that possibility. [/quote]

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