Reply to impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous]My marriage ended after I got sober and started going to AA, and I'm not sorry about it. It wasn't my decision to pull the plug but my ex was definitely not on board. Then again, he's an active alcoholic, which is his business and his thing.

The entire family system begins to change pretty drastically when the alcoholic gets sober and many marriages do end when one person gets sober. I'm only speaking for myself but working to change the underlying behavior and beliefs that led me to believe my only solution was in consuming alcohol absolutely upended my marriage.

I stopped being so reactive. I removed a lot of the problematic behavior when I got sober. But things did not get better between us and there was no alcohol to blame and my ex did not want to dig deep to address what else was going on in our relationship so he bolted.  I'd rather be sober without him then go back to something that very nearly killed me and still be in that marriage. Active alcoholism can be like slow motion suicide.

Some relationships can withstand the changes when one spouse gets sober and some can't. You don't like that your spouse attends meetings at night 2-3x a week on a regular basis, and that's totally understandable on some level. On another level, I wonder what it was like to spend those same hours night after night with an active alcoholic? They may have been physically present but chances are they were totally checked out.

There are many different AlAnon groups and it works for a lot of couples I know where one is in AA and one is in AlAnon. But, again, that doesn't work for everyone.

Alcoholism absolutely had an impact on you, and since you were part of the relationship system with an addict, you're going to have your own stuff to work on, too. Like why did *you* choose to stay with an active addict? How did their addiction serve you? A good therapist who really understands addiction would also be helpful, IMO.

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