Reply to Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I'm back with an update. DD called me and said that she had a neuropsych eval last month, and that the results would come out later this week. I don't see the point of this at all because we already paid for a neuropsych eval ~5 years ago for her. She is convinced that she has autism, which is ridiculous -- her last neuropsych eval ruled that out.

She told me over the phone this morning that "an update neuropsych will explain why I have a hard time in the workplace." Okay, well... regardless of whatever the results say, that doesn't help her situation. At all.

I'm just sick of her making excuses for her immaturity. It seems like this fixation on autism is the latest in her attempt to build an identity or a personality that is, as always, based on victimhood. At first it was how "abusive" DH and I were to her as a child and how we "traumatized her for life," and now it's autism.

None of this, of course, is helpful nor productive. [/quote]
Teens are very difficult to diagnose, and autism often presents differently in women. It's a good thing to have a fresh evaluation, and it's a good thing that she recognizes something is going on. You should be waiting to see how you can be supportive of her growth in light of whatever her eval reveals.

I had a super high achiever that wasn't diagnosed with severe ADHD and severe dyslexia until college. It was a gut punch knowing how difficult things had been for her. No one ever saw the signs, not me, not teachers, pediatricians, it only became apparent that something was really off when online schooling at the beginning of lockdown really impacted her. The diagnoses were very freeing and she learned to manage her life in a new way that was so much easier for her and relived so much stress and anxiety. OP you are so rigid and controlling. You are going to lose your daughter forever if you don't stop treating her with so much judgment and cruelty. It sounds to me like she is doing her best and you are the one who is failing. [/quote]

OP here. I just don't understand what an autism diagnose at the age of 24 would do. It's not like she's in high school or college, where an autism diagnosis would at least grant her accommodations and maybe access to social skills classes. It just feels like she wants an excuse from adulting, and that she's latching onto a potential autism diagnosis as a way to escape the "real world" of work and compromising in relationships.

I also think that it's dubious how effective or helpful a diagnosis would be if she's getting diagnosed this late -- at that point, she's high functioning enough (if she even qualifies for a diagnosis in the first place, which I doubt as she's pretty good at picking up on subtext) that it wouldn't qualify her for disability income. [/quote]
High functioning at what cost? Whatever the diagnosis, your hope and focus should be how can my daughter live better knowing this information. My daughter benefited from accommodation going forward in school, and for now, there are workplace accommodations under the ADA. Although academic accommodations did help, it was self understanding and changing her attitude and approach that were the most important thing. Her brain works differently than most people’s, and she realized that was perfectly fine and how to manage it without feeling crazy.

You really don’t know what’s going on with your daughter and everything boils down to dollars and cents with you. She’s seeking a diagnosis and you’re jumping to conclusions about collecting disability. IDK if your daughter has autism but whatever is happening, of course it benefits her to know that.

Again, do you want to lose your daughter? That’s the direction you’re headed.[/quote]

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