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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thinking back, are there any red flags when you were dating? Lessons we could pass along to our sons and daughters.[/quote]

Yes.

We met in professional school. He relied on the structure of professional school socializing for a life outside of studying. He wasn’t proactive socially and took advantage of the effort of others. Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects. He was mild-mannered and nice so people didn’t question it, me included.

Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated but were still dating. There was always something work-related that took precedent but it was sort of ok because we were hustling to build our careers. He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present.

Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends’ wedding presents, group trips, public gifts for family. But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had a difference in salaries or even if I had been more generous about a previous expense.

And this is embarrassing, but selfish in bed. I took it as assertive at first and thought I just needed to communicate my needs more or something. Or that we were still getting to know what we each needed. That selfishness was indicative of literally everything that happened later.[/quote]

[b]I don’t know that I would have seen any of this as red flags other than maybe being selfish in bed.[/b]  But I can see how you could easily interpret that as a lack of communication.  [/quote]

Seriously? The sex thing was the only flag you found?

"He wasn’t proactive socially"
"[He] took advantage of the effort of others." 
"Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects."
"Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated"
"There was always something work-related that took precedent"
"He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present"
"Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends... But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had"

I would not even consider adopting a dog with this person. 
[/quote]

I reread it, and I see what you mean.  At first I read this as someone who went to social events, but didn’t organize them, and was kind of a procrastinator when they were in school.  I was thinking, “that’s like 80% of people.”

But on rereading it, I’m getting more of a picture that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to do anything difficult or was a big procrastinator.  He did do difficult things when it came to work and school and hustling.  It was more that he expected that his relationship with OP would just always be fun and make his life better, and he was kind of resentful whenever she had needs or wasn’t fun.

This is such a tangent, but there is a short story by Claire Keegan about a failed relationship.  At one point, the man is all excited to have his girlfriend move in with him.  She’s really fun, and they have good sex, and she’s a good cook.  But when she comes, she brings her clothes and toiletries and moves his things.  He gets really upset.   She’s like, “What did you think would happen?  You didn’t think I would want to keep my toothbrush in the bathroom?”

I wonder if OP’s husband would relate to this.  He’s all excited to have a wife and children, but then when he is asked to change and demands are placed on him, he gets kind of mad.  And OP is like, “What did you think would happen?”  [/quote]

NP and this is a really fitting example because it matches what I experienced on the other side with someone like this. My passive/disengaged/workaholic/not-parenting ex moved out.

But he only took the usual suitcase he took on work trips to his new place and didn’t want anything else. When he finally came back to get possessions I had boxed up because seeing his everyday things (toothbrush, jeans, paper stack) after months of his absence was breaking the hearts of both me and the kids, he got really angry. Specifically angry that I moved his toothbrush. He said “you can’t do that!” and went into a crazy rage.

I second guessed myself and wasted money bringing it up in one of my attorney meetings. He echoed the novel quoted above: “what did he think would happen?”[/quote]

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