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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thinking back, are there any red flags when you were dating? Lessons we could pass along to our sons and daughters.[/quote]

Yes.

We met in professional school. He relied on the structure of professional school socializing for a life outside of studying. He wasn’t proactive socially and took advantage of the effort of others. Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects. He was mild-mannered and nice so people didn’t question it, me included.

Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated but were still dating. There was always something work-related that took precedent but it was sort of ok because we were hustling to build our careers. He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present.

Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends’ wedding presents, group trips, public gifts for family. But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had a difference in salaries or even if I had been more generous about a previous expense.

And this is embarrassing, but selfish in bed. I took it as assertive at first and thought I just needed to communicate my needs more or something. Or that we were still getting to know what we each needed. That selfishness was indicative of literally everything that happened later.[/quote]

I don’t know that I would have seen any of this as red flags other than maybe being selfish in bed.  But I can see how you could easily interpret that as a lack of communication.  [/quote]
DP
In my case my spouse functioned well in grad school due to the structure, explicit deadlines, fun planned events to tag along to, and money to spend. 
But when he did forget something or to be somewhere, he’d argue. It was odd. But I believed he truly forgot or didn’t see the text or emails.

Fast FW to marriage, working, kids, sets of grandparents far away…. At age 39 he was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Instead of taking the psychologist’s advice and doing therapy and putting systems in place, he’d rather keep hitting the wall and yelling at his family, whom he is letting down. He refuses to manage his symptoms and that’s why the household and marriage collapsed.

Net/net suss out multi-tasking skills when dating, and “discussion” and “conflict resolution” skills. If they run and hide, leave. If they argue and change the subject, leave faster. [/quote]

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