Reply to MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a BPD or NPD MIL and have been married 25 years with kids who are now older teens or grown.  Here are my thoughts —
1) even though my husband hates his mom, if I saw word one, I become the bad guy.  So I really really avoid making this a thing.  
2) these people feed on drama.  Don’t feed the drama, to greatest extent possible.  Your declaring  bright line or boundary will feed the drama.  So decide your limits but never announce them as limits.
3) the kids will notice more if you are like “we don’t see grandma anymore” than if you just quiet fade or don’t see her a ton.  Occasionally one of my kids will say “why don’t we visit grandma” and I’m like “yeah, maybe we will.”  But of course we won’t and they drop it because most teens really aren’t that psyched to spend tons od time with difficult weird grandma anyway.
4) ageee with Pp that your easiest play is probably to just decide to do a holiday meal with her someplace, where she will need to modify her behavior.  We lalways do a meal out with my MiL and her husband.  And if she’s like my MiL, part of what she really wants here is to be able to tell her friends how she spends time with the grandkids and got them something blah blah … so if she can say “oh, John took me out to Morton’s for a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with the kids”, that will scratch that itch at least in part. 
[/quote]
Thanks for sharing this perspective.

#1 is definitely my experience, too, though I don’t become the bad guy, my husband just sort of sulks.

I am leaning towards #4 being what meeting then in the middle will look like. But I’d love your thoughts on how to suggest #4 while honoring #2, because the shift from gathering at our home for the day to meeting for just dinner at a restaurant will definitely be felt by MIL. How do we do this without cultivating drama?

—OP[/quote]

I kinda think you have to wait until next year to change up the Xmas plan without creating drama, unless you're a very last-minute plans type of family.[/quote]
Under normal circumstances, we are last minute planners, but considering we haven’t been speaking, this year is anything but typical.

—OP[/quote]

If you haven't arranged plans yet, so it's not like you'll be changing it up 2 weeks before Xmas, it's probably fine. Assuming you can find a restaurant, you can just tell her that's what you're doing this year. [/quote]

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