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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?[/quote]

I'm not going to bother reading through the pages I haven't read yet to see if OP you ever went to the school counselor and your DD's teachers and what they said.  These excuses on most recent page about going to the counselor making things worse, yes, that pretty much proves you're either somehow enjoying this crisis and have no interest in solving it, or you're a troll.  It's absurd to not talk to school staff, and unless you yourself are a complete coward and somehow you're the one afraid to talk to them, again, this all points to troll posts.

I guess you're happy though, you got a good 9 pages of people taking you seriously. Well, correction, you're obviously not actually happy... if you were, you wouldn't be reduced to entertaining yourself with fake posts on DCUM to see how long you can string people along.  That's actually the most pathetic part of all of this.[/quote]

You obviously don’t know how this stuff works. OP said that going to a counselor would make things worse, because then the “friends” would be mad at OPs daughter and yes, that would be bad. [/quote]

I work in schools. Explain to me exactly how OP going to the counselor, and also her DD's teachers to share what her concerns are and ask for advice, then translate into "trouble" for DD?  Explain to me how the friends or exfriends or whatever they are now find out?  You are very sure you know what you're talking about, so please educate me how a confidential conversation between OP and the counselor and a few of DD's teachers gets shared to or reported ot anyone in the friend group?  Or any other way it "causes trouble for DD with her friends"?[/quote]

I am PP, and it is because the counselor said “I will share information if someone is being mean to you, or hurting you.” Also, my daughter has been in this situation and without her consent the counselor met with her whole friend group. Her ex friends were horrible to her for the rest of the year, and my DDs reputation became horrible. Middle school girls always find ways to make things worse, and you don’t wanna be known badly by going up to the counselor. They do absolutely nothing except talk to your friend group. [/quote]

I don't know where your DD was in school, what school it was, or what their SOP's are for things like this (Standard Operating Procedures), but I can tell you that professionally, if a parent comes to a counselor at the school confidentially and explains the concerns but says clearly up front that the parent just wants advice for her daughter, not for anything to be said to the students, unless the students are literally physically or very publicly hurting the DD, most schools will talk to the relevant teachers and then talk to the parent again, or encourage the parent to meet with teachers.

Given what the original behaviors are that OP stated, I can't think of a legit counselor who would talk to the "friends" even if the parent said they didn't want them to.  Also, a parent can always go in and say they have a situation but they don't want to name specific students yet, they really just want advice on what the counselor recommends.

These are all things parents can do that - again, barring physical or very public highly problematic behavior - can keep OP's questions to a counselor confidential.

What exactly did you say and who did you talk to at your DD's school PP? And what behaviors did you share?  (This is anonymous and obviously any highly unique details, like "They made her wear a Darth Vader mask for a week" type of unusual specifics, you don't have to share.

So PP, what exactly did you tell your kid's counselor, what were the behaviors you reported, did you ask that the counselor keep it confidential, when did the counselor tell you they were telling the other girls, what was the counselor's role (there are a few different types), and what exactly did they do after?[/quote]

And this is why people say DON'T go to the counselor.[/quote]

What are you referencing above, what is why people allegedly say don't go to the counselor?[/quote]

What am I referencing?  The tone and content

Why do people actually (not allegedly) suggest not going to the counselor?  Because they end up making the situation worse.[/quote]

If you can't explain how or why it makes the situation worse, then your comments really don't mean anything.  What about the tone or content actually lead to seeking advice from a counselor making things worse for the student being left out? Explain what you mean, if you can't, it's because you literally aren't talking facts.[/quote]

Respectfully, you haven’t explained how or why you’d help make the situation better by knowing the details, with substantive suggestions. That’s the point PP was making. If you have concrete examples of actions counselors and teachers could take that would benefit the student—that you’ve actually used and seen work to improve the experience of the student being treated poorly—why not say what they are? -np[/quote]

The details are what matters. But to give you examples based on OP's original scenario, school counselors are supposed to have counseling experience (imagine that!).  Which means, at MINIMUM they can have some helpful advice to teens on how to understand the way they're being treated, what it usually really IS about and what so often it is NOT about, what she should focus on instead, and ways to protect yourself and possibly where opportunities are in the school programming to connect with other students.  The size of the school matters, so the advice a counselor in a tiny school might give (where there are fewer students and less choice in other friends to look for) vs. a larger school (where there may be more students and more opportunities to engage, like more clubs or afterschool programs), but the main point  is that that is the counselor in THAT school. They know the climate, they know the teachers, they know many of the students.  And there are very basic types of advice they can give depending on the personality of the student being left out, and the rest of the context around who the girls leaving her out are, the school's liklihood (or unliklihood) of intervening depending on what the behaviors are, and also knowing history of the girls doing the leaving out.  The counselor can't tell OP and her DD any personal details about any other students, but they can use what they know about DD and the social circles at the school and psychology in general and maybe give DD and her mom advice on different ways to think about making friends, to process how people treat her, and maybe places/ways in that school to look for other friends.

Again, there are so many details that dictate how a counselor sees what's happening and what advice they give.  But to not go to the very person in the school building whose JOB it is to understand the age group of the students, understand school dynamics, social dynamics, and know the classroom dynamics too (because some teachers manage this better than others), to see what advice they have or how they see the situation, is not talking to the person with the most info about the big picture.

Everyone has a choice not to talk to the counselor.  But coming to DCUM and only listening to 10 pages of conflicting advice, and NOT talking to a couple of DD's teachers and the school counselor, is missing the people with the most helpful perspectives.  And if what any of them say sounds terrible to OP and her DD, well at least they asked.  But far more often than not, the counselor and/or a teacher is going to actually give helpful perspective and helpful advice.

That's about as specific as I can be without a lot more specific detail.[/quote]

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