Reply to Waiving child support for primary custody

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Waiving child support for primary custody"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard.  My response: The conflict will age you.  I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

[b]My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier.[/b]  That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience [/quote]

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment. [/quote]

Your life is separate from your kids lives.  He does not need to know about your life, nor do you need to know about his.  However you both share kids and you need to co-parent.  You are the problem.[/quote]

Ex-spouses do not need to CO-parent with uncooperative partners - co-parenting implies doing things together, and that is not always possible.  A parent can choose to parallel parent, and this may be healthier for the kids.  Parallel parenting means that each parent basically does what they want on their time and the other parent doesn't participate or comment and there are either no or very limited joint events.

I tried for many years to co-parent. I invited the other parent into my home for meals on a weekly basis (otherwise he simply wouldn't have seen the kids because it required too much effort on his part), I split all holidays (gave him Xmas gift lists, etc.), looped him in on all health and school issues, etc.  But, TBH, he still couldn't step up.  I finally stopped all this when he was verbally abusive to me in my own home in front of the kids. Previously, he had only been verbally abusive and manipulative in private, but I tolerated that for many years because I thought it was in my kids' interest to maintain a relationship with their dad.  It took me a lot of therapy to learn that I was setting a bad example for the kids and that I needed to let him sink or swim on his own.  He sank. It's sad for the kids, but it's better that they know the reality and learn to deal with it. It's not something I have the power to fix.

So, no, I am not the problem.  I am the parent who offered 505/50 custody and ended up with full custody because exDH didn't want to have custody. But, thanks for playing blame the woman.  
[/quote]

co parenting isn’t about inviting the other parent for meals.   [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics