Reply to Telling donor conceived kids about half siblings

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[quote=Anonymous]Copied from another thread on this forum called “reality of donor conception,” because it is directly responsive to a lot of the misinformation being spread here:

“Sperm donor conceived adult here. I just came across the recent thread "telling donor conceived kids about half siblings," and saw so, so much ignorance displayed there that I thought a new post might be helpful to new or potential recipient parents. I will say, first off, that I absolutely think donor conception is a valid choice that can lead to positive outcomes for everyone involved. I am also heartened to hear that so many recipient parents are being open and honest with their kids from a young age, and that open ID is becoming more normalized. That said, neither of these things mitigate the very serious issues with how donor conception is (still) practiced in this country. The fertility industry is rapacious, corrupt, and largely self-regulated, and it’s up to recipient parents to educate themselves and advocate for their children. To that end, some info, both general and personal:

Sibling caps: Not legally required to this day. Even if your cryobank/clinic says they have sibling caps, these are very, VERY easy to circumvent. There is no national or even regional registry that prevents donors from donating at multiple institutions and there is a definite financial motive to do so. In my case, there are about 30 of us half-siblings JUST on the DNA sites (Ancestry, 23andme, etc.). Statistically, this means that there are, conservatively, about 130 of us total (16% of people have taken commercial DNA tests). Our donor was active in the DMV in the early 80s through mid-90s; definitely not uncommon or some kind of fluke. Re: all the comments about the rarity of accidentally dating siblings, the real chances are much higher than you’d imagine. Almost all my half-siblings are concentrated in the same geographic area. I happen to have grown up five blocks from one of them. Two of my half-siblings were friends in high school and had no idea.

Medical history: The genetic panels they are doing at most banks/clinics leave HUGE gaps. There is absolutely no substitute for knowing a parent’s actual clinical medical history. Especially true given that most donors are young when they donate, and many medical issues don’t crop up until later adulthood. In my case, after connecting with my half-siblings, I discovered a predisposition to heart issues that I wouldn't have otherwise been screened for until much later, plus carrier status for a VERY serious and rare genetic illness that usually causes death in infancy. Again, not an uncommon scenario. Cryobanks have a huge incentive to hide/not seek out comprehensive medical info. Check out this horrifying story: https://www.wsj.com/story...-52053a3c. Or this one: https://www.youtube.com/w...5jXiA6bs0.

Biographical history: If you are a recipient parent, you know less than you think you do. Donors lie on applications and there is limited follow-up/vetting/verification. Several (5+) of my half-siblings' parents were told that the donor was a medical student or doctor. He was in fact broke, unmarried, self-employed and donating well into his 40s.

Desire to know and interact with siblings or other donor relatives: The other thread contained a lotttt of speculative and frankly self-serving comments from recipient parents on this issue. Frankly, it's just not realistic to believe your donor conceived kids will grow up and have zero or little curiosity about their genetic origins. Of those of my half-siblings who are on the DNA sites (and almost all of us found out this way as adults, meaning we weren’t more motivated to take the test in the first place), the vast majority of us have chosen to interact, and many of us maintain meaningful, close relationships. Pretty much all of us were DEEPLY curious about the donor’s identity and background (which frankly, it didn’t take much to discover. The poster who said all it takes is a distant cousin or two to unravel the mystery was spot on).

Check out the podcasts Biohacked (truly excellent), Insemination, or Inconceivable if you’re open to learning more about the lived experience of donor conceived people.”
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