Reply to H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm in a similar situation.

I think detaching is the only thing you can do in the short term. Don't respond. Look up BIFF -- Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This is how you respond to high conflict people. I suggest that you go out on the weekends or even possibly travel and leave him to care for your child. The more you separate yourself the healthier you will feel. Do not just hang around making yourself passive bait for his abuse.

Longterm steps: therapist for you, consult a lawyer, check out real estate, and slowly dismantle your fears of moving away from this person.

He may be borderline -- this is what my therapist thinks my husband is. People with borderline personality demonize others once they split (only see the bad in you). They have hair trigger tempers and frequent explosions of rage. You are always at fault and they crave being the victim, therefore you are made to be the perpetrator. You are not crazy. He is.

Regarding the practical situation, I am also very attached to our home and unsure of whether I can maintain it without my husband. Yet I am also clear (finally) on the fact that this is very unhealthy and I need to prioritize health. We have been separated for six months and are supposed to be coming back together but I'm really not sure what is going to happen. I have similar worries that he would torment me in divorce also, since the separation has been hell and he has found lots of ways to get at me -- twisting situations to make it my fault, threats, putting the kids in the middle of our conflicts. It's going to be at least ten more years of raising the kids together so that does hold me back from going to an instant divorce. We are supposed to be starting therapy together. I don't know if he will listen to the therapist.

I wish you peace, OP. It's awful and I know because I am there now too. We will get to the other side of this and it will be better.[/quote]

OP here. Sending you big hugs. Your situation is so similar to mine. I, too, am concerned that a divorce would bring out more nastiness in my husband.

I can only tell you what others on this thread have kindly advised me: do the math with a divorce lawyer, see how much you would be entitled to, including child support. You may be able to keep the house. Best wishes to you![/quote]

OP, it’s PP back with an update.

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You’re still walking on eggshells. (Btw that’s a great book — Walking on Eggshells — about being in a relationship with a borderline person. Might be helpful.)

I divorced. I kept the house. It’s been nothing but a positive for me, to be honest. Yes, it’s hard not seeing the kids when they are not here, but I do see them a lot … between my custody days, visits, extracurriculars and other school events, it works out to almost every day each month.

The amount of stress that has gone out of my life is unbelievable. I feel so, so much happier. I have a peaceful space that is no longer full of toxicity and that is just mine. Yes, he is still mentally ill and occasionally harassing. I’m learning to just let go and accept that this is his nature and will not change. I am no longer wishing or expecting him to be rational, not aggressive, not attention seeking etc.

I met someone else and I don’t know if or when it will go somewhere, but that’s been nice. And I also know that if it goes nowhere I’ll still be happy. My life has expanded so much.

I wish the same freedom and happiness for you, OP. I hope you’re able to break free of this and have your life back. Although the hardest thing for me was accepting that this meant losing time with my kids and feeling like I was not always there for them, I feel that I was able to give them a lot of gifts that I wasn’t able to do before. My self-respect was in the trash because of the abuse and gaslighting I tolerated daily. At least this way they see as a full person, getting back to myself, and they’ll know that it’s ok to leave an unhealthy relationship and that you can affirm yourself in a positive way without anyone else. That is important too. [/quote]

OP here. PP, thanks much for the update! It is so heartening to hear that your life is peaceful again. It gives me hope.

To what extent, if any, are your children being negatively influenced by their father's behavior? Or is he perhaps behaving in a more civil manner when with them than when he was around you?

Did you have to get a new mortgage for the house or were you able to buy him out?

Big hugs, congratulations and all the best![/quote]

He is mostly ok with them. I do keep tabs on it as they are old enough to tell me. He is on his best behavior now as I think he is afraid of losing custody or their affection if he acts out. However the kids do see through some of his bribery/ indulgence. Overall they are old enough and have strong enough voices that I believe they will be able to let me know if in a few years they prefer not to be with him.

I think for them having one house that is peaceful and sane and one that may be off at times is still better than one dysfunctional house. I was not able to protect them from his issues when they were here, and he never took it on them to the point that it would have made a definitive case against him being capable of taking some custody. From what I have heard there needs to be proof of physical abuse and neglect for that.

I bought him out. Had a clause in our agreement that I will stay on the old mortgage until rates get low or a certain amount of time passes.

Wishing you the best, OP. Whatever you decide. It’s not easy. I was swimming in the soup of his toxicity for so long that I couldn’t see my way out. I think getting your own physical space and mental space within the house could be a good first step. You need to get stronger and clearer and it will become clear to you that you CAN handle everything without having to be with him. He’s probably gaslit you to the point that you really question yourself.

Take good care! [/quote]

Btw I also put in our agreement a non harassment clause and a requirement that we do all our communication over a parenting app that prints to a PDF for family court. He is still occasionally nasty, attention seeking, etc but it does cut down a lot of the hostility because he needs to show that he is communicating constructively to keep joint legal custody.

From what you said, if you do all the admin and work around education, extracurriculars etc you may have a case for full legal custody. That would drastically cut down on your communication. I recommend you explore with a lawyer.[/quote]

The parenting app thing is genius.  What a wonderful person came up with that!  Lots of people being mean to OP about wanting to stay in the house but it may not be about the luxury but the neighborhood.  I spent a lot of time looking and there just was not a house in our neighborhood for sale.  The kids would have to move schools and would lose all the friends that they walk/bike to, at an age when that is really tough. That’s why I decided to stay—I don’t give a sh-t about the material stuff.  My spouse works so much that he isn’t that much of a factor and I just don’t let him get me upset or engaged.  [b]Once I stopped engaging with his nonsense it decreased a Lott[/b].  He is the kind of person that feels like “if you send one of my guys to the hospital, I sent three of your guys to the morgue” so it’s just not worth any sort of disagreement with him.  He has a lot of stuff he takes care of, and I don’t engage on that.[/quote]

This doesn’t surprise me at all.
Men just want to be loved and appreciated by their wives (whom they married largely because they felt they found a woman who loved and appreciates him!)……but if it is no longer the case that she loves or appreciates him as she once did, then the next best thing is just to be left alone. Unless he’s a total sociopath, men just dint typically pick fights—as a general rule. 
[/quote]

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