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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit. [/quote]

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts.  The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take.  Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.[/quote]
You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????[/quote]
22 y/o is working. [/quote]
From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus. [/quote]
So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it. [/quote]
I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared? [/quote]

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to[b] co-parent with someone with severe mental illness[/b].  I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.  [/quote]
OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child. [/quote]
She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry. [/quote]

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.[/quote]
I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard. [/quote]

PP/former stepkid here. While it may be in stepkid's best interest to realize her stepmother is not on her team, and act accordingly, she did not write this post. The stepmom did. And my statement stands. Stepmom will likely care for her adult kids in a way she does not want her DH to do now for his own. And yes, this is their problem: "my kid and your kid". In successful blended families, this is what's required. [/quote]
Successful blended families are the exception, not the norm. If the adults had enough maturity to pull it off they wouldn't have found themselves single with kids. [/quote]

PP here and you are correct. This is why the “this is mine that’s yours” approach is a spectacular failure. OP and her DH don’t share money or values. The answer is not for OP to shoulder the expenses of the bio kids, or for DH to shoulder the expenses of Stepkid. This is a family of 3 children who should benefit equally from parent’s finances. Don’t like it? Don’t get married to someone with previous kids, or marry and make more kids with a new partner. Finally stepkids are not inconveniences for you to tolerate on your way to building whatever life you want OP. Before he married you, he was someone else’s husband, and he’s still someone else’s father. You and your DH both need to work with that fact for your marriage to succeed.[/quote]

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