Reply to are 3+ kid families becoming more common?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Looking at everyone I know, I’d guess it is like this:

50% 2 DC
25% 3 DC
20% 1 DC
5%  4+ DC

I also know an absolute ton of couples that are childless by choice, or single people who never married or want to marry.

Most of the families I know with one DC didn’t plan on just one (for those who have said)…more commonly fertility issues or divorce/single parent.

A lot of the families with 3+ are due to an “oops”. I had a friend who had an oops #3 that turned into 3 & 4! twins. LOL.

I’d still say 2 seems to be the default.

[/quote]

Agree that a LOT Of the 3+ kid families are oops babies, or include multiples. I know two families that had oops triplets. [/quote]

How on earth would you not have figured out how fertility and birth control work after having two kids? I suspect many of the people claiming #3 was an oopsie intended to have 3 all along and just need a way to justify it. [/quote]

I actually told a lot of people this when I was pregnant with #3. I didn’t want their judgement and jealousy. [/quote]

This doesn't really make sense. I'd think people's reactions would be more harsh if you said #3 was an oopsie. I mean, look at how feisty the people on this board are being about it. [/quote]

To be honest you are not me so you really have no idea what my day-to-day lived experiences are. I’ve had people who I work with (all women) say nasty things, like having three is showing off and that having three is fine, but I shouldn’t have four. At work.[/quote]

It’s jealousy and judgement and it’s reflected in the pew data where many people say larger families are what they desire but for whatever reasons they can’t or don’t actually have that. Don’t get me wrong, many people have one or two children or no children and are very happy with that (I am a mom of three but could probably be very content in all of those scenarios too) but for whatever reason a woman having more than two children makes a lot of people feel like they have license to say really vicious and mean spirited things both to your face and on anonymous message boards. And I find the people who feel the need to express their views and judgements the most on this topic are women. Like somehow my family planning decisions were made as an affront to them and they need to let me know that I’m wrong for having three kids because they will never get enough time or attention from me and my husband, we will never have enough money to provide all three of them with a “comfortable” existence, and the idea that another sibling could be a net positive for my children is absurd because somehow the dynamics will make it so everyone is miserable. And moms of three? They always looked stressed, they are overbreeders, they paradoxically can do nothing (no PTA or volunteering or date nights or book groups or vacations) but also have nannies and grandparents raise their children, their houses are a mess, they can’t have meaningful careers and if they do it’s because they had twins after having an older child (I can’t imagine the person who made that comment on DCUM was a mom of twins because it’s brutal), they mooch off of other moms for carpooling and playdates, and they are religious - usually Mormon or Catholic. It seems the only acceptable way for women to have more than two children is for it to be an oopsie baby - birth control didn’t work or twins.

If someone were to start a thread about how they love having an only child or how they love parenting two children there would probably be 100% affirming posts and if anyone said otherwise they would be called out as unhinged. [/quote]

A few reasons people might judge or be unhappy about people having 3+ kids that aren't about jealousy:

1) They are from a family of 3+ kids themselves, and think it's bad for kids or families generally.

2) They are in competition with the larger family for resources. I have seen this with siblings where one sibling has 3+ kids and the other sibling has one or two -- there can be resentment about money/inheritance/help that goes to the larger family from grandparents because it feels unfair to the family with fewer kids.

3) They fear that if their friend has 3+ kids, they will no longer have time or want to spend time with their friends with smaller families. This is grounded in truth, because larger families can be much harder to host or get together with, not only due to the number of people but also due to kids' ages (introducing a baby to a dynamic that had previously been older kids means some activities will be harder or impossible).

It's complicated. I would never tell someone with 3+ kids that there is anything wrong with it, but I definitely sometimes have private, negative opinions of the choice. And I'm sure sometimes people suspect I have those opinions. Oh well. I am a mom of an only child and I know lots of people judge me for that (and plenty will tell me their judgment out loud). That's life.[/quote]

It’s really awful when people judge people for having just one kid.  Disappointing that you’re trying to justify the judgment of other choices as well.[/quote]

PP here. I'm not justifying it. Just explaining it. I know people judge me for having an only, but I've gotten over it. I also know that some people probably judge me for reasons that are kind of understandable. Like I have friends who I know were disappointed I didn't have more kids because it would be easier for them if we had a younger kid to pair up with their younger kid. Or because it means we have less in common because our families look different. I could see my brother and SIL, who have 4 kids, being annoyed that I just had one because it creates imbalanced dynamics in terms of travel and hosting. I also think there are people who envy my family because we have more disposable income, are totally out of the baby/toddler phase, only have to pay for one college education, or because they have some regret over having more kids. I think it's all valid. It's just feelings. They aren't my feelings, so I don't worry about them too much.

That's what I'm saying. Not that it's good to judge people with 3+ kids (or an only) but just that this judgment is probably inevitable and doesn't mean those people are evil or terrible. It means they are human. Have the family you want to have and try not to worry what other people think of it. Some people will approve and think it's great, and others will judge and think it sucks. Oh well. Not their family, not their choice. Move on.[/quote]

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