Reply to Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A point that nobody has mentioned yet is that the friend (and probably whole friend group) knew and accepted that this behavior was normal and okay. With that kind of group mindset, it is likely that DH and all of his friends think that cheating on your wife is no big deal. That would make me think DH has done this a lot. Agree with PP that if DH has the balls to take a mistress on an international trip and then got away with it, no reason to not keep doing such things.[/quote]

NP. Thank you, PP. I was reading this thread and was appalled that no one yet had mentioned this exact point. The DH likely runs with a crowd of friends that shrugs off each others' cheating, or possibly even condones or enables it. People's friends really do reflect, and affect, their priorities and values. If the OP is thinking of staying with DH they need plenty of intensive couples' and individual therapy, and he needs to drop friends who are his enablers or encouragers. Maybe this one friend isn't like that but the guy seems to have known DH had been to Mexico which wife didn't....DCUM will lose its little mind at that idea but so what? OP cannot trust that he chooses friends wisely, just as she cannot trust this was the one and only affair. [/quote]

Or, because it's been 9 years,  husband could have also told friend he was in Tulum with OP which is why he thought nothing of mentioning it and DH got nervous because he was caught in a lie with both.[/quote]

An idiot…[/quote]

If the friend knew, the friend is just as much an a-hole, if not more, for "encouraging". It is a form of aiding and abetting.

If the friend did not know OP did not go on that trip, the DH's friend is off the hook.

Either way, the DH handled it ALL wrong, and should have been up front with you, years ago, to give you more options, OP.  Your DH sucks for limiting your options.

I say this because I know people who have been to online prostitutes and they are still married.  Happily? Probably not, but the wife absolutely knew. I also know people whose "friend" hired a prostitute for the groom-to-be, and well, let's just say the groom-to-be has nothing to do with that loser.

The issue here is that your DH knew the AP intimately, and planned and executed a trip with the AP, while you were home with the kids, and DH was spending marital money doing so. That is hard to overlook, because there was no innocence or excuse to the situation. Not that you would want one.  It is all about plausible deniability, with your DH.  Is that who you want to live with, for the rest of your life?  Someone that looks for excuses to their unpredictable and terrible behaviors? That reminds me of something FIL would do - and FIL did NOT set a good example for DH and his siblings - at all re: women. DH's parents were completely miserable, and it could not end soon enough. What is your DH's parents marriage like? Not that it matters, but it plays a part.

You need to help yourself get out of this situation, one way or another. [/quote]

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