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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.[/quote]

You sound like an incredible person. Putting the kids first while also focusing on your own well-being and, yet, still seeing the positive in your spouse and building on that. I’m very impressed and wish you the very best as you hopefully continue to provide a stable and positive environment for your kids. [/quote]

I took that to be a female/female marriage so different social conditioning than angry “who care”, “kids are fine” males with ADHD.

Also, “work from home” implies 8am-3pm unless there is a daily nanny, au pair, drivers, or teens. 
[/quote]

I'm the original PP. I am a man. We both actually work from home.

One thing that I've observed is that there is an inherent sexism in how ADHD is viewed. Having executive functioning skills isn't a gendered thing, women have ADHD. But one dynamic in my own marriage that I had to work through alone is that my wife isn't a "bad mother" because of her condition. She's accountable for her own refusal to get treatment of course -- but it's a real, medical condition where she's also socialized to NOT get help because the messaging is women don't have these kinds of problems. But they do. Families like this exist.
[/quote]

How much time per day does she spend with the kids?

There are no doubt some relationships like yours where the mom has checked out, but it’s much more common to be the man. And no, I do not think it is cognitive or mental health issues in all or even most cases. Even in your case there is likely an overfunctioner/underfunctioner dynamic that she takes advantage of. [/quote]

PP, I think it's incredibly harmful to view my life as a dynamic where someone is being taken advantage of -- there is this sense of equal equal equal -- listen, not everything is equal. It will never, ever be. People have different strengths, different abilities and the biggest thing is that my children need a childhood where the adults' dysfunction isn't damaging their own growth and development. I am not resentful. If anything, I have a strong, strong sense of acceptance and peace because things are what they are. I really only have control over my own choices and decisions. My decision to take this role as the leader in the family (and really, this is what it is), is something I could be resentful about. Or it could be an opportunity to provide a life to the best of my own capabilities.

No one can control someone else. It's the dirty secret of marriage. Yes, love exists. But when you are in a dynamic where there is a true illness and getting treatment is not going to happen in a way I'd choose, I have to decide what I can control and fully take this on. That's what I'm doing.

And to answer your question, I don't track what my wife does really. But it's an interesting question so I decided to think through this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and answered emails for an hour, woke our son up at 6:30, gave him breakfast, he and the kids' tutor started working together at 7, my second child came down at 7, and I gave her breakfast while reading emails on my phone/packing lunches. Second child did tutoring until 8, both kids, got dropped off at SACC and now I'm back waiting for a call to start at 9. My wife came down around 7:30, hung out with the kids, brushed our daughter's hair, ate her own breakfast and is now working.

Now, our kids are both showing signs of ADHD inattentive. During the morning I researched pediatric psychiatrists that take our insurance and executive functioning coaching services. I can't just spring this on my wife. She knows -- generally -- we need to look into this, but she isn't going to do this legwork and the idea of giving her all of this information -- particularly when she's preoccupied with her own work day is not going to go well. She'll shut down or get frustrated, etc. Nothing will happen and the kids will continue to struggle. That's not acceptable. So, I will make the calls during breaks today and at a time when she's not thinking about anything else and also when she's not tired, I'll propose the plan and ask if she wants to research alternatives, etc. She'll decline and the plan will go on.

This is how things get done.

And it doesn't bother me. The kids get what they need. I am happy things are running well. And my home is a happy peaceful place.[/quote]

I’m glad for you but you need to stop preaching. It is different for women in this situation because we also bear the burden of physical childbirth and infancy (did your wife wake with the baby?). And more often than you would like to believe, this kind of detachment from a man also comes with violence or the threat of violence. You also don’t appear to have a spouse as checked-out as OP and mine. She actually got up at a normal time and interacted with her children![/quote]

I'm not preaching. If anything, I am not saying that my choices are the right choices for anyone. If anything, I absolutely understand the impact of early childhood -- my wife had PPD and internalized so, so many harmful messages about what a mother "should" be doing. It was a bad, bad time, PP. I've been the primary parent and main decision maker since then because like most people say -- someone needs to be the parent and step up.

And yes, my wife woke up. But if I was counting, she didn't do much, if anything, beyond putting our daughter's hair in a ponytail. If I was looking for equality or fairness or what PP was looking for, I would be angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. But I don't expect that. She does what she can. That's fine. I'll handle the rest and keep the home peaceful and happy.[/quote]

Op here. You have infinitely more patience than I do. I'm glad you've come to terms with it ... I have moments where I accept the lack of effort too, but also I have no reason to believe my husband lacks the ability to do the things I do. It appears he chooses not to and feels that I should be the one to. [/quote]

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