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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Spanking. [/quote]

+1. Spanking is not always abusive, but most DCUM people will automatically say all hitting is wrong.[/quote]

I think spanking is always abusive. I believe you should parent your child as you wish them to behave in the world. Under what circumstances do you think it is appropriate for them to deal with a problem by hitting someone? Spanking advocates want to create this weird exception to the general rule that you should not hit other people where it's okay but only if you are an adult and the other person is a child 100% within your care and control. It's so weird. If you hit your kid, for any reason and under any circumstances, you are teaching them that hitting is an appropriate consequence for bad behavior.[/quote]

I have a kid with special needs that includes not seeing hierarchy. It's problematic.  You are pretending that hierarchy isn't real which is silly.  And doesn't do your children any favors.  They are not small adults, they are children.[/quote]

So your logic is that because you have power over them, it's okay to hit them as punishment.

If they were small adults, they would not be below you in the hierarchy, and therefore even if they behaved the exact same way, you would not hit them because adults have more agency than children do.

So you believe it's okay to hit someone as long as they are below you in the hierarchy. What is the point of hitting them then? To punish a specific behavior, or to show them who's boss?[/quote]

It's not spanking.  It's everything.  A parent teaches a child, through instruction and correction, using reason, praise, bribery, consequences; a colleague does not correct a colleague's table manners or decisions, impose a curfew, require chores.  Etc.  [/quote]

This specific conversation is about spanking. I don't know what you are going on about.

Spanking is abuse.[/quote]

I don't spank, but I was spanked growing up. It only happened 2-3 times in my whole childhood and my parents were always calm, never angry, and gave plenty of warnings before resorting to it. I personally think it did the job and I don't resent my parents at all for it (and I'm not generally hesitant to critique - they made plenty of mistakes along the way, just not that).

There is a vast, vast chasm, IMO, between a light smack on the bottom by a calm adult in response to a serious behavioral incident, vs. things like cigarette burns and beatings.

The harshest thing one can accurately say about spanking is that it is a bit crude (as in, overly simple) and lazy as a technique. And I have observed occasionally that my kid as a toddler would probably have understood not to do certain things much more effectively if she had been spanked in a certain moment, vs. lectured to. (But again, I choose not to spank; it's not my method.)[/quote]

You know, I was spanked in an abusive way (amongst other abusive parenting) and would never be able to live with myself if I hit my child. BUT, I do agree with this PP. Speaking from my experience, a child can tell the difference between hitting/spanking out of anger and frustration, and a rare spanking as a controlled consequence for very specific behavior. I don't think it's necessary or even the best discipline approach, and I think many parents THINK they're in control when they're really not (which is abusive), but I don't think every instance of spanking is necessarily abuse. [/quote]

I agree with this (and was also spanked in an abusive way) but come to the opposite conclusion -- it is better as a society to simply treat all spanking as abuse and draw hard line, than to try and parse the situations in which spanking might not actually be abusive.

Because my parents absolutely thought they were in control when they were spanking us, even though they were screaming and lashing out and very clearly not in control. The very concept of "spanking" as opposed to "hitting your kid" gave them the cover they needed to convince themselves that what they were doing was normal discipline and not abuse. And I think this is how spanking works most of the time. Giving in to the impulse to hit someone as punishment just triggers too many bad instincts in humans.

The example given by PP where they were spanked a very small number of times in a calm way with warnings is simply not worth risking all the other people who won't do it this way at all. As that PP stated, they don't spank their kids now, which means they've found other ways of disciplining their children that are as effective. There's virtually no evidence that spanking is an effective means of correcting behavior in children, and a lot of evidence that spanking, particularly when it is done in anger and without control (which it often is) has a very detrimental impact on children and on the parent/child relationship.

So even if you feel like there are some instances of spanking that you would not consider abuse, it's crazy for society to say "yes spanking is fine" because most people who engage in it will simply use it as cover for abuse.[/quote]

I was spanked (in a non-abusive way) and I agree with this. My parents spanked on rare occasions but it was never abusive or even done emotionally, but rather as a very clear consequence to something. Also, my parents would speak to me very respectfully afterwards as to why it happened and that they love me, etc. I don't resent them and don't carry any scars from that, in many ways, I respected the discipline they instilled. Before I became a parent, I wasn't sure if I would spank. Now that I am a parent, I can't imagine myself doing it...not necessarily because I see it as abuse, but because I see it as ineffective and counterintuitive to what I'm actually teaching my children.

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