Reply to AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes, I think you should gift her the $4k, but I would let your husband know where you stand on any future assistance after this point.  I would have a serious problem with a spouse that stood in my way to gifting this to my own mother - do it for your husband not your MIL.[/quote]

But why should anyone believe you and your mother wouldn't come back for more? Giving anything at all sets a bad precedent and opens the door to repeated requests. Her financial situation is awful, she makes bad decisions and can't afford her lifestyle, why would anyone believe $4K is the end?[/quote]

You are different ground with your spouse when you can point out that he agreed to a one time gift in the past than you are never helping in the first place.  I don’t agree that this sounds like an out of control spending MIL either.[/quote]

I don't think it sounds like that either.

I also wouldn't lay down a line about NEVER supporting MIL again because (hopefully) life is long. [/quote]

I wouldn't lay down that line because it's obvious they and SIL are going to have to pay in the future. If SIL is having a baby she might not have much spare cash. And don't tell me this babysitting "job" is going to work out-- who would hire a babysitter who is unwilling to work or be reliable?

Again, it's not about out of control spending. It's about not having enough savings, making bad choices, being clueless, and being in denial. OP and her DH will pay. The only question is when and how.[/quote]

Yeah - I guess I'd agree (though using less judgmental language). But I agree that it's not realistic to think that MIL will never need some support again. Life will only get harder as she gets older. We live in a country that hangs the elderly out to dry. I don't think that the $4k should come with strings attached - but I do think that assuming OP's husband is close with his mom, the two of them should have a deep heart to heart about what she is expecting life to look like for the next 15-20 years. And then OP and her husband have to have a heart to hear themselves about the stark reality of what that means for them - not what OP wishes it means, but what it actually means; what the realistic options are. Maybe OP's husband can find out more about why his mother is so reluctant to take on any work now, even if it would improve her life - and if there are any realistic job opportunities for her, even.

It's hard. Life is complicated. Family is complicated. We bring our baggage, people make mistakes, people don't always do the rational man thing and it has consequences - and most kids don't want to see their parents suffer, too.[/quote]

OP's DH is going to "life is complicated" this family into the poorhouse. Oh, mistakes were made. Right now is the time to attach strings-- the sooner you get MIL on a sustainable trajectory the less money you're going to have to spend on supporting her. There's really no time to lose.

OP, since you can only control yourself, I would insist on financial counseling for your DH (since he probably won't take well to a reality check from you), insist on budget cuts that your DH will really feel rather than blowing your savings, and insist at every turn on full disclosure from MIL and pay bills directly rather than just giving her money. She has proven herself irresponsible and that isn't going to change.[/quote]

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