Reply to Thanksgiving with two vegan guests; please help me plan!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,

You sound kind. I recommend you talk to them before finalizing your plans and make sure what you’re planning to do will actually be something that works for them and is appreciated. I was assigned to bring desserts one year, and my husband’s side of the family includes one gluten free person and one gluten free/dairy free person. I thought I was doing a nice thing by special ordering very beautiful expensive gf/df personal apple pies from a local bakery that is fully gf (no cross contamination). It was an inconvenient place for me to go while simultaneously trying to bake regular desserts and pack my family to travel. Both people I bought the desserts for didn’t eat them or even taste them to be polite! The gf/df person packed her own fruit for dessert and the gf person just ate vanilla ice cream I had brought to serve with the pies. Lesson learned was that sometimes people with dietary restrictions are actually even more complex and disordered/picky about food than their restriction category indicates, so you may want to check if they even like mushrooms or potatoes or whatever so you don’t go to the trouble unless it will be eaten/appreciated. [/quote]

Not liking pumpkin pie is not "disordered" or picky -- most people don't like it. Literally every single year I wonder why we serve it at Thanksgiving. But they were probably used to having such serious diarrhea after eating food brought by well intentioned relatives that they've learned the hard way not to eat it.[/quote]

NP. In that case, they should not even make their dietary restrictions or choices known to other people. If you are going to share that kind of information—which is helpful to most hosts—you should be prepared to graciously eat what is offered, like a guest. Knowing that holiday meals often include contributions from others, you should be prepared for the fact that other people will likely have gone literally out of their way for you. If you have “learned the hard way” not to eat this or that when people are just trying to be helpful and welcoming, bring your own food or be prepared to eat before or after. Honestly, there is no pleasing or accommodating picky, particular, difficult people who honestly CHOOSE to be ridiculous. [/quote]

I am not a picky eater. I eat everything. I'm simply saying that the extreme negative reactions to people's dietary restrictions are weird -- weirder then the dietary restrictions. It is not "disordered" to not like pumpkin pie. It also would not be reasonable for a guest allergic to gluten and dairy to say, "Sorry, no, I've had too much diarrhea. This time I'll pass." The normal thing would just be to not eat it. Sounds like the host delegated pies to the PP and told her about the two guests with dietary restrictions. I doubt the guests with restrictions asked that PP directly. Just guessing tho.[/quote]

It was apple pies, not a pumpkin pie (which I agree is gross and I am not picky and have no dietary restrictions). Both guests eat and enjoy apples, have eaten things of this type in the past, and weren’t too full for dessert (as I mentioned, one ate ice cream, the other pulled out a big fruit salad she packed for herself). They were being rude, picky and disordered by refusing the pies, which were beautiful and appetizing-looking. I am not saying they needed to eat the pies if they would prefer to eat something else. I’m just saying that *sometimes* other wacky food issues accompany people who choose to follow restrictive diets in the first place. And even when you go out of your way to make a nice meal for these people in spite of the extra work, they may actually not appreciate any of your efforts or actually prefer fruit and salad. The only way to know is to ask. [/quote]

You're the one with the wacky issues. You got your feelings hurt because you went out of your way to get the special pies and and instead of the praise you expected, no one ate them. That is a totally understandable reaction. It's not understandable to label the people who didn't want them "disordered".  I made a delicious dish for a swim team banquet one year and hardly anyone touched it. I was hurt. But I didn't call the entire swim team and their parents, wacky, picky and disordered. Such is life.

And BTW people who are gf and df do not CHOOSE to follow restrictive diets. They get severe diarrhea if they eat gluten or dairy. How can anyone not know this in 2022?[/quote]

NP. A lot of people with eating disorders do, in fact, self-diagnose food allergies as a way to disguise their disorder. This is a well-known fact. I challenge you to do research. Another way that people with eating disorders hide their disorder is extreme training like for a marathon. That way, it’s always “oh sorry I can’t, I’m training for the marathon” rather than “I can’t enjoy foods like that because I am afraid of them and have to feel in control.” Of course some people do have real allergies or really are lactose intolerant, etc. But a lot of people use that kind of thing as an excuse to hide the disorder. This includes veganism. I’m not saying all vegans have eating disorders; I am saying that many people with eating disorders use a vegan diet (or gluten free, etc.) as a shield. [/quote]

This sounds like an exhausting way to go through life -- assuming people are actually hiding a disorder. Oh brother.[/quote]

DP. But it’s a fact. There’s research. I actually feel bad for these people. Society makes it hard to admit the disorder and therefore get treatment. [/quote]

I’m the PP who posted the information that dietary restrictions, self-diagnosed “allergies” and extreme training (marathons, triathlons) are medically proven “masks” for disordered eating. I hope it goes without saying that I, too, feel very bad for those who suffer from eating disorders, and I was only trying to provide information and context. Very strict diets like veganism, constant big-event training and self-diagnosed food restrictions are red flags, and I wish more people would know that these are actually things to look out for. Again, of course people can be healthy and choose to be vegan or choose to train for athletic events, etc. I’m just saying that these can be clues, so be on the lookout if you suspect that someone may be suffering and may need help.[/quote]

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