Reply to Of the people you know who have had affairs, is there a common them.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Every affair, like every family, is unique. Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina " All happy families are alike. All unhappy families are unique in their own way."

I suggest that all those opining on here about what causes an affair.  It is b/c the cheaters are bad people?  Narcissists?  Good people doing bad things?  Bored in their marriage?  Or looking for something missing in themselves? There are any number of reasons and I think all of these reasons require compassion not condemnation.

Read Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs."  Here is an excerpt:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/
[/quote]

Uggh! Life in America. Anything goes with no controls. It's not loving to be tolerant of everything. It's not truthful. Should we be tolerant of the 15 year old who killed all those other children? Sure have some compassion that he is human, but he's a danger. Infidelity is dangerous.[/quote]
How is infidelity dangerous? Anything can be dangerous if you’re an idiot.[/quote]

The poster you are responding to is a type: everything must be black and white. There must be a right person and a wrong person. And people who do something hurtful must be bad or broken people.[b] It is an extremely simplistic and immature view of the world[/b], and you see it all the time on any thread discussing infidelity. There is no reasoning with those people.[/quote]

It's called dualistic thinking.  It's very lazy.  [/quote]

I’m a NP.  I think people who justify cheating are the lazy ones.  They don’t want to do the hard work of doing the right thing.  Cheating by definition is wrong.  Otherwise it’s called open marriage.[/quote]
I think some people are just more sexual than others, some are more attractive, they have many options and opportunities throughout their lives. Not that I condone cheating but who are we to tell someone how to live their life? If they can make it work for them, who am I to judge? The Ten Commandments are a good guideline but again, we seem to really hold those Puritan values close in the US. Sometimes there is a gray area.[/quote]

I’m the pp you are responding to.   I don’t see the association between sexuality of a person and cheating.  Cheating has to do with taking the easy way out instead of doing the right thing.   Not sure why add in the religion comment either.  Honestly, you are all over the place in your reasoning and your gray area comments reflects lazy thinking.  Justifying cheating is the lazy thinking.[/quote]
So by ‘doing the right thing’ do you mean divorcing? Because I don’t agree that divorce and a disruption and breakup of family is better than a discrete affair. If the person can be discrete about it while still supporting his/her family financially/emotionally/whatever what is the big deal? Some people are actually able to compartmentalize feelings and it works for them. Maybe we should let go of our restrictive Puritan values and loosen up, it’s okay to love multiple people at the same time. If you realize your husband or wife is not on the same page, don’t tell them about it. Why do we feel compelled to share EVERYTHING with our spouses? [/quote]

I agree[/quote]

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