Reply to Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.[/quote]

How old are you? I assume most adults in their 30s or older don't have time for this kind of crap.  A woman is allowed to invite your friends to a birthday party without inviting you.   You can continue being friends with all your friends - and even her, if you want.  It doesn't matter.  [/quote]

DP. I disagree with the PP who says you should assume this woman is trying to edge OP out of the group. I think that's a huge leap and making it will only make a somewhat awkward situation much worse. I agree with the many PPs who have said that it sounds like she just wanted to celebrate her birthday with close friends, which OP is not by her own admission.

But.

I'm in my 40s and want to state that I find this sort of behavior (trying to "edge" someone out of a group) more common among women in their 30s and 40s than it is with younger women. It has to do with the challenges people have in making friends as they age, and the way society sets women up for competition. My observation is that these dynamics emerge especially in your 30s as women struggle with maintaining a social life during significant life changes. I can't imagine one of my friends trying to exclude someone back in our 20s -- relationships were more easy and casual back then. People had lots of free time and it was easier to find things in common. Everyone was just figuring it out. I also found that people tended to sex segregate less back then, which I think helps avoid these dynamics.

Which is why I always find it funny when the response to these threads is always "oh my god, immature." When I was 24, something like this might have annoyed me but only because I would have been bummed to miss a fun night with my friends. I probably wouldn't have cared that this woman maybe doesn't like me AT ALL. I was confident in that oblivious way that young people often are (socially, I was insecure at work -- this reversed in my 30s) and had plenty of friends and while there was drama, no one even took the drama that seriously because no one took anything that seriously.

In your 30s, stuff like this becomes a problem. If your friend group stops inviting you out because one person has decided they don't like you and starts excluding, it's much more isolating and scary than it would have been when you were younger. You have less flexibility and opportunity to meet new people and make new friends. Plus, as in OP's case, you might be entangled with people in other ways (like her DH being friends with all their DHs, or your kids all going to school together) that can really up the awkwardness factor. I have seen stuff like this happen more than once to various people over the last decade or so, and it can be intense and sad, with lots of upsetting recriminations and hurt feelings. Check out that "Bad Art Friend" story if you doubt me -- everyone in that story is in their late 30s/early 40s. Lots of bad behavior, but sadly not unheard of for the age group.

These days I have learned to be thoughtful about group dynamics. I choose to be extra generous with my friends (erring on the side of being inclusive and being kind, always) and also giving people the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be excluding me. I have learned to keep my own company and worry less about whether others like me. I can be hurt by stuff like this but not let it impact my relationships. But it's easier now than it was when I was 31 or 32, much more insecure, much more reliant on my friendships for my identity and my sense of belonging in the world.

It is about maturity, but the idea that people make this leap in maturity in their 20s is wrong. Many people, like me, make it in their 30s. And it's common to have go through something painful to get there (I did). I also think some lucky people gain this knowledge as children, but that requires a certain kind of upbringing and parenting that many people from my generation did not receive. Many Gen X and older Millenials got to adulthood with a very damaged sense of self, and that feeds a lot of the needy, jealous, and competitive behavior you see in many of these threads.[/quote]

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