Reply to Does a blended family actually work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this. [/quote]

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP! [/quote]

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever.  Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen.  [b][/i]Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at.  (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.[i][/b]  [/quote]

And why must the stepparent undertake these problems and the financial burden? What’s in it for the stepparent to provide these ridiculous resources? Don’t malign the non-kid spouse just because they would be reluctant to aid troublemaker stepkids.[/quote]

A stepparent who is not willing to help minor step children financially should not get married. correct. [/quote]

IMO a stepparent should not pay anything towards raising someone else's kid(s).  Ever.  That's why it's best to not get married since you will be legally bound with any kind of mess those stepkids can get into.  Likewise, if YOUR kid has problems you may find yourself trying to choose between your spouse and your kid.  If you go on and have joint children, you've added yet another layer of problem - which kids get resources?  What if your joint minor child who is bright and has great potential wants to go to an expensive school but Stepkid 1 needs an attorney because he is facing serious jail time?

Unfortunately, parenthood does not seem to end at the age of majority anymore.  Parental responsibility is being pushed for "kids" well into their 20s and even 30s.

Let's say you have your own bio child. You marry someone with 2 bio children.  Your bio kid completes education, launches successfully, begins a family and is fine.

Your stepkids have issues though. Stepkid 1 has had drug problems since teen years and as stepparent you've helped foot the bill for rehab twice while they were a minor.  Now an adult, Stepkid 1 still has drug problems, has been arrested and needs an attorney. You spouse demands "the best" for his adult kid and wants to hire a high-priced attorney for his adult kid - which means dipping into your retirement account.

Stepkid 2 quit school, spent time partying, then rushed into marriage with a bad boy followed by a quick pregnancy because she had baby fever.  Baby Daddy decides parenthood is not for him, doesn't pay support because he is an unemployable drop-out and takes off. Stepkid 2 has an infant to raise and no income with poor career options.  Your spouse says he wants to subsidize her rent and other expenses since he knows they can't move in with you.  You then discover Stepkid 2 is back out partying all night, baby's needs are being neglected and there is a threat of child protective services being called.  Stepkid 2 calls crying, wanting spouse and you to help financially.  Your spouse says this is my grandkid and I must do all that I can.  This means paying for daily child care in addition to all other expenses until such time as Stepkid 2 can get her act together.

What do you say to all this? Your spouse never, not once, had to pay a penny towards your child at any point.  You, however, are being asked to make some serious financial and household concessions for your stepkids - including your retirement plans.  Oh, and by the way, both Stepkid 1 and Stepkid 2 have made it obvious that they can't stand you and give you the cold shoulder every time they see you.

On the other hand, what if the situation were reversed and these were YOUR two children?  Would you want the same for them?  Would you expect your spouse to subsidize your adult kids?

This is not a fake scenario.  These two kids were raised in a high-income DC suburb.  It can happen anywhere.

These are the kinds of issues people need to discuss when children are involved. I think most people, deep down, would put their bio children ahead of any subsequent spouse.  And if they answered this question honestly, then you can see why people should NOT get married again once they've had children.  Ever.   Even senior citizen couples have problems dealing with adult stepkids and grandkids.

Date. Enjoy each other's company. But always, always, always have an out for you (and your kids) so that you can extricate yourself if need be.  You must remain financially independent at all times. [/quote]

[b]I don't understand why the bio parent can't just foot the expenses and costs of their OWN children.[/b] Why harrass the spouse for money from their retirement account? What kind of spouse would put their loved one in such a scenario? The scenario may not be fake but it indicates poor boundaries between spouses, and it's not healthy to have such expectations. I will say hello and play host when adult steps come to visit but don't ask me to babysit or contribute financially. [/quote]

So in a situation like OP's, where they want two additional children...will OP "mommy track" or even become a SAHM when those two new babies come along?   That will severely limit her earning power...yet she will be solely responsible for the expenses and costs of her current child?   Even though she will be making the financial sacrifice to care for their shared children?[/quote]

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