Reply to Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a therapist.

I know of zero couples therapists who will work with a couple where one partner is actively physically or sexually abusing the other. [b]Emotional abuse is treated differently because while it is a terrible way to treat another person and very damaging in many ways, as a PP said, there are fewer actual safety risks and it is not actually a crime. [/b]Most of the people I know who work with couples see a lot of infidelity. Couples therapy demands that both partners be committed to the process of reconciling/improving the relationship/however it is defined. If one person is still actively cheating, they are demonstrably not committed in that way and it is difficult to counsel _the couple_ on how to move forward. The one time this has happened in my practice, I terminated the relationship with both partners, explaining very clearly that active infidelity, to me, is as counter to the couples therapy process as active physical abuse. I then referred them both for individual therapy with people I knew who had openings and let them know that had openings and also let them know that if partner 1 ended the affair and wanted to recommit to therapy with partner 2, I would be happy to see them again. They came back about 6 months later but ended up divorcing anyway. [/quote]

So the question to you is what would you do where one spouse isn’t actually apologizing or feeling regretful of cheating?  Would you do what OP’s therapist did?[/quote]

I am also a therapist but not the one who answered originally.  I concur with her/his statement.

I would not give an opinion on whether cheating is wrong, we truly are not there to pass judgement.  Also it would alienate the other party, you can't feel alienated and be open to therapy.  But I would be direct and tell the couple that the chances counseling will be successful is pretty much zero if the cheater isn't remorseful and willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage.  The first move has to come from the person who strayed. I would be reluctantant to work with them for this reason.
[/quote]

I’m the original therapist.

I think for me, the most important thing about OP’s post is that this occurred in the first session. So yes, I would feel like I was not in a position to pass judgment. I only just met you guys! I need to get to know the couple a little better (I’d say it takes me more like 2-3 sessions to have a good grip on the dynamic but it depends on the couple). However, it should be that during the initial sessions, the therapist is building rapport with both partners. That didn’t happen effectively at OP’s therapy session. I’d like to think that I don’t step in it the way it sounds like happened for OP, but it’s also hard because if OP is wanting the therapist to join with her in indignation and betrayal, that’s just not the therapist’s role. [/quote]

“My father’s words hurt even worse than the hitting, because words lasted long after the marks faded. They lasted forever.” (from Estranged, by Jessica Berger Gross)

This quote - from a physical and emotional abuse survivor - illustrates how emotional abuse cannot be subordinated to physical abuse. They are both devastating and both carry lifelong negative impacts.

You two therapists need to deeply reconsider your working methodology.  There are many abuses that once were either not a crime, a crime but not prosecuted or even legally sanctioned by society - date rape, marital rape, domestic violence, etc.  Your job as a therapist is to recognize abuse wherever it occurs and help victims of abuse protect themselves and become empowered.  If you are not doing this because the abuse is “not a crime” then you are at best a bystander, who by virtue of diminishing the emotional abuse is allaying with and serving the perpetrator and your “therapy”  creates additional trauma by presenting to the victim what should be a place of healing and safety but instead is a way for the perpetrator to continue to abuse under your eye.

[/quote]

I'm confused.  We're talking about couples therapy here.  The therapists have said that they won't treat a *couple* when there is active physical abuse of infidelity, but refer the parties out to individual therapists, and will see them as a couple if the situation changes.  That seems to make sense to me.

You are advocating that emotional abuse be treated the same way a physical abuse - which would mean that the couples therapist declines to threat the couple.  Is that the outcome you want?  [/quote]

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