Reply to Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a therapist.

I know of zero couples therapists who will work with a couple where one partner is actively physically or sexually abusing the other. Emotional abuse is treated differently because while it is a terrible way to treat another person and very damaging in many ways, as a PP said, there are fewer actual safety risks and it is not actually a crime. Most of the people I know who work with couples see a lot of infidelity. Couples therapy demands that both partners be committed to the process of reconciling/improving the relationship/however it is defined. If one person is still actively cheating, they are demonstrably not committed in that way and it is difficult to counsel _the couple_ on how to move forward. The one time this has happened in my practice, I terminated the relationship with both partners, explaining very clearly that active infidelity, to me, is as counter to the couples therapy process as active physical abuse. I then referred them both for individual therapy with people I knew who had openings and let them know that had openings and also let them know that if partner 1 ended the affair and wanted to recommit to therapy with partner 2, I would be happy to see them again. They came back about 6 months later but ended up divorcing anyway. [/quote]

So the question to you is what would you do where one spouse isn’t actually apologizing or feeling regretful of cheating?  Would you do what OP’s therapist did?[/quote]

I am also a therapist but not the one who answered originally.  I concur with her/his statement.

I would not give an opinion on whether cheating is wrong, we truly are not there to pass judgement.  Also it would alienate the other party, you can't feel alienated and be open to therapy.  But I would be direct and tell the couple that the chances counseling will be successful is pretty much zero if the cheater isn't remorseful and willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage.  The first move has to come from the person who strayed. I would be reluctantant to work with them for this reason.
[/quote]

I’m the original therapist.

I think for me, the most important thing about OP’s post is that this occurred in the first session. So yes, I would feel like I was not in a position to pass judgment. I only just met you guys! I need to get to know the couple a little better (I’d say it takes me more like 2-3 sessions to have a good grip on the dynamic but it depends on the couple). However, it should be that during the initial sessions, the therapist is building rapport with both partners. That didn’t happen effectively at OP’s therapy session. I’d like to think that I don’t step in it the way it sounds like happened for OP, but it’s also hard because if OP is wanting the therapist to join with her in indignation and betrayal, that’s just not the therapist’s role. [/quote]

This is why people find therapy as a major waste of time for infidelity. If someone is cheating then they need to stop. The person in the fog needs to come to terms about where they are and what they are about to lose. That would be so refreshing. That's what people expect and you are giving them the run around. Just give the people what they want. Just ask them.

I remember being told that I couldn't insult the OM because that hurts my wife and I just need to deal with my ego issues in individual therapy.

So, be forewarned, if your spouse is cheating on you, [b]don't go to therapy![/b] It will not likely help. Just get yourself a lawyer and a postnup.  [/quote]

OG therapist again.

I don't know that I agree that therapy is contraindicated if your spouse has cheated on you. I agree that if you are coming to therapy, the cheating needs to stop. In theory, you come to therapy in order to stay married, address the cheating, and figure out a way to move forward. I don't think most people need a therapist to tell them "stop cheating on your spouse if you want to stay married to your spouse." Seems like common sense to me.

Where I take issue with people like OP is that they seem to expect that the therapist's role is to yell at the cheating spouse and condemn the affair. I understand that that might feel extremely validating for the OP and other people who have been in that position, to have someone take their side and yell at their spouse. But it doesn't do much to further the idea of "moving forward." As for what you said about your wife's affair partner, I think it really depends on what you said. Everyone has ground rules for the way that people are allowed to speak in session. What does insulting the OM do to further the goal of moving forward in the relationship? [/quote]

Clearly you haven't been in the seat of the victim. Yes, in most cases, a cheater will need to be told that they need to stop cheating. People here are telling you that's the case, but you refuse to take that in. Don't just assume that people get that. And stop with the hyperbole, you do not need to yell. Just tell the person "this isn't going to work if you're still cheating." That's all we want.  [/quote]

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