Reply to Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am your wife and you are my husband and it’s been 5 years of hell. I struggle daily and fail at being the person I was before crippling anxiety took hold. I see a dr and therapist and I have tried so many different medications and I have also been frustrated by how long it’s taking to get better. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the person I’ve become. One who cannot be spontaneous and fun because I’m so scared of having an anxiety or panic attack when I’m out. I sleep a lot because my medication makes me soooooo heavily drowsy.
I plan my life around my illness. Making sure I’m not out when my meds are wearing off. Making sure there is a place to hide when I feel panicky, not driving long distances. 
I want to be a fully functioning member of my family but I simply cannot do it. I’ve just changed doctors hoping this one will help me find the perfect cocktail of drugs that will make me normal again. 
My husband also initially did not fully grasp how all encompassing a mental illness can be particularly since I  look “normal” while I am a wreck inside. He’d tell me I’d abdicated my role as a parent and contributor to the house hold -i haven’t worked for 5 years. He’d ridicule and put me down much the same way as your opening post. This  added depression to my anxiety because I didn’t want to be all the things he saw me as and it hurt so badly that rather than see that I was suffering he’d decided to blame me for the way I am. 
If your wife had cancer and her treatment wasn’t working would you give up on her so readily? Mental illness is real and the sufferer is trapped in a sick mind in much the same way as the cancer sufferer is trapped in a sick body. Even your wife’s reluctance to seek help is part of her sickness. It took me 4 years to be willing to take medication because I was too scared and it’s been 5 years since treatment started and I am still not myself. 
Please have compassion for your wife op
Over time we’ve implemented the following:
Instead of cursing me out for being a lazy cow we now have a full time cook and house keeper.
I take my kids to school which is hard because my anxiety is crippling but I tell myself that I’ll be home in 30 minutes so I go. The thought that someone is there if I can’t pick up from school or take to activities or face household tasks is huge. 
By the time I get home my meds are starting to kick in so I study a little for what I hope to be my next career which I hope I can handle in the way I handle dropping and picking up kids from school-telling myself that in one hour I’ll be done and back home to safety. 
Then I become too sleepy and sleep for up to 3 hours. Everyone accepts that is how it will be until I can hopefully change my meds and they respect and work around that.
When the kids are home I spend all evening helping with homework and projects. Again not having to stress about having a panic attack while picking up a child and taking them to activities or planning a meal is huge. I feel safe at home and really invest the time with my kids. I would be a wreck if I had to worry about having a panic attack in traffic  or while talking to other parents at basket ball etc.  or if I had to worry about what to cook. I have some good days when I go but there is no pressure. 
I talk to my husband about how I’m feeling,when I’m not up to something and we find a way around it. 
Things are still not great with my husband but he appears to be accepting that this is how things will be for now. The endless fighting and disdainful attitude has greatly reduced and we’ve reached some level of equilibrium. 
I would advise you to lose the attitude and really talk to your wife about steps going forward. What her struggles are, how she thinks they could be overcome or reduced.  Go with her to the dr (my husband did though he wasn’t happy about it) so you get some understanding of what she is dealing with and how the dr hopes to tackle it. Put things in place to help her much like you would put a chair lift if your wife could not use her legs or get a part time helper if she was otherwise incapacitated. Treat her illness like a real illness that she cannot control then you would not be so angry with her. Most of all, try to understand that she would love to be the person she once was if only she could. She is not choosing to be this way.  [/quote]

All about you. Selfish. [/quote]

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