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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other.  It's pointless except to unload your guilt.  It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason.  Don't create more drama it's just cruel.[/quote]
I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have.  If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it?  You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage?  Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair? [/quote]

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average.  Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C.  She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated?  Divorce?  We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks?  What a nightmare.  Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others.  I have been tempted, I am sure she has too.  People make mistakes.  So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess?  Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids?  No thanks.  Keep it to yourself.  She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed.  Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.[/quote]

You sound so naive it’s kind of charming.

Yes. Many of us who divorced got “two houses” and “divided the 401ks” and shuttle kids.

And in my case. Better than living with a cheating liar.  Your view of cheating like it’s some simple little act is not reality. It’s thousands of lies. Using money. Destructive. Grow up buddy. [/quote]

It's not naive. It's very solidly grounded in reality.  My DH cheated and I found out.  I made him bleed for it but I never considered divorce for a second. Because it's just not worth it. I'm not happy he cheated, of course, but I simply do not wish to upend my life due to someone else's missteps. [/quote]

Of course that’s usually how it goes when men cheat. The woman can keep it together if she chooses. It’s different when the wife cheats. [/quote]
[b]
Why?[/b][/quote]

Because men cheat simply for the sex and variety, women cheat when there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.[/quote]

News flash: When men cheat there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.[/quote]

New flash:  When men cheat there is something fundamentally wrong with [b]their character[/b].  [/quote]

Goes for women too[/quote]

Or you end up with a spouse who trashes your marriage and leaves you with the choice of breaking up your kids' home and finding some compassion and relief from the sadness and disappointment.

For years ive done everything I could to support my husband with his depression, watching him show extremely limited character by quitting jobs when he was "too depressed to work" without consulting me. I've never had the choice in all of this time not to keep on keeping on for our family -- even though the pain of having a husband think you're not worth the effort to man up and work is enough to make me want to stay in bed.

I've supported him through counseling, taught myself not to blow up about money or stress or having a filthy house when he's staying at home and we can't afford help. And I've watched the kids keep being close with him as he pulls away emotionally. They feel a lot of love. He's their normal. Our community is their normal.

I could break it all because my husband trashed every now and has no character (his therapists recommend he keep working when he's getting depressed but he gives up) or I could do what I'm doing - carve out a few hours per week to be held and loved by someone who sees my worth and has a normal sex drive.

I chose B. And then I go home and am a rock for the three people who depend on me.

It's not the life I wanted but it's what I have.[/quote]

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