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Reply to "what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
IMO the things I bolded above come from how the PARENTS deal with this situation when it arises. That isn't seeing things through a 'lifetime movie lens' but I am beginning to think you are just thinking of ways to sound offensively condescending to bring people into these pointless arguments because you're bored. [/quote]

No they don't. They come from the children of broken marriages, and I am surprised that as a child of an acrimonious divorce, you refuse to acknowledge it. Parents will deal with their own.

Shock and confusion: what do you mean another sibling? Like not with mommy? But I thought you're only supposed to have kids with mommy?  Toxic secrets: see option 3, where you blithely suggest infidelity does not have to be mentioned at all.  You think children are stupid? They can't put two and two together? They'll never see the child's birth certificate? Or well-meaning strangers won't talk to them? Insecurity - so daddy doesn't love me? I'm not enough?  Of course you are. But then why did he make children with not-mommy? Competition - who do you love more?  What do you mean there's no money for us to go on vacation any more?  Envy - why is daddy going there and not staying with me? Embarrassment with peers and relatives - hey, aren't you the kid whose father cheated and had a child with someone else? Thought you guys were an upstanding family? Loss of respect for the father (for doing this).  Why did daddy have to do this? So men do this? They can't be trusted can they?

[quote=Anonymous]
Scenario: My husband has a child out of wedlock. IMO the choices are not exactly the ones described earlier, for me they would be:

1) Divorce, but treat the child as a true sibling to my child. Welcome them when I see them, treat them with kindness, make them feel like family.[/quote]

If you divorce, you don't really have to see them.

[quote=Anonymous]
2) Stay together, with a lot of effort and work. Have some type of visitation schedule where I welcome the child when I see them, treat them with kindness and make them feel like family.[/quote]

You can, but you don't have to.  And good luck winning the love of a child who wishes - just like your own kids - that daddy would stay with him all the time, and not some of the time.  And supporting the relationship with your children, who in the eyes of the child have everything he wished he had, but doesn't. And seeing that your children are so much better off.

[quote=Anonymous]
3) Stay together, with a lot of work and effort. Be the child's primary home where I would welcome them and treat them with kindness and make them feel like family.[/quote]

Some women can deal with the constant reminder of the husband's infidelity. Some can't, and they aren't monsters. No one should be asked to carry this burden, or expected to.  Marriage Builders counselors, a site referenced here with some regularity, are quite direct that in the case of pregnancy outside the marriage, the marriage has the greatest chance of survival if there is no contact with the mistress and her child.  This is a natural extension of the advice on recovering from infidelity centered around "no more contact with the AP, ever" - because few marriages can deal with the strain of constant reminder of infidelity.

[quote=Anonymous]
4) Divorce or stay together and the mother decides to keep the child to herself and not allow it regular contact with the father. In this case, I tell my children that this child exists, I don't pretend they don't have a sibling. I don't pretend a human being doesn't exist.

In scenario 1, 2, 4 I feel like you cannot keep the father's infidelity a secret. So the kids get sat down and explained in broad terms what has happened. The conversation is likely emotional, but not accusatory, kids are the focus. Explained what this will mean for them in practical terms.

I see you continue to pretend that this will not be a severe shocker for the kids.

In scenario 3 they never hear about the infidelity. We 'adopted' a new kid. [/quote]

Talk about toxic secrets, eh.

[quote=Anonymous]
Its hard for people on this board to understand this mindset. I see it in all the posts of bitter people in the middle of or at the beginning of or in the aftermath of divorce. But if you divorce with children and you make it your primary goal to get THEM through the process unscathed, which is what should be the case since they are the innocents in that scenario, then they will make it through and learn the right lessons. The right lessons being:

1) Stick up for yourself
2) Forgiveness is important whether you stay or go
3) Sticking up for yourself and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive and don't necessarily mean staying together
4) Children are the most important people in a divorce and their happiness and stability should be the number 1 priority of both parents

In my opinion, treating a sibling of my children like they don't exist or meanly is detrimental to my children's understanding of compassion, family and being a decent human being. That seems to not be the case for you. You misunderstood my post because you seem to think erasing their existence is not treating them poorly. IMO, it is. When I chose to have children with my husband, I chose to be entangled with him and his choices forever. Not necessarily under the same roof, but to an extent we are inextricably intertwined. I will believe that and live that so my children will be happy and well adjusted no matter the state of their parents. [/quote]

Oh you are intertwined all right - in a sense that you and your kids will suffer from this bad choices, not that you make these choices as a team.  Even when you hate his choices, even when he makes them with zero regard of their impact on you and the kids, you will still suffer.

You can treat this sibling however you like.  This does not change the very fundamental truth that the existence of that sibling is a threat to your children because it blew their family apart, endangered their relationships with the people who are supposed to protect them, and most likely placed them in a worse financial situation.  There is nothing - absolutely nothing good - that comes out of the "sibling outside of marriage" situation.  There is no upside to it. You can spin in or damage control it all you want.  It does not change the fact that this is a very bad thing that's very bad for the children of marriage, who would have been 500% better off if that sibling didn't exist and the circumstances that brought him forth never occurred. [/quote]

Wow lady. I'm sorry for whatever happened to you.

In my experience bad stuff happens to everyone, sometimes through choices you make, sometimes through choices loved one's make, and sometimes randomly. How you dust yourself off and deal with them teaches your kids a lot about the world. In my opinion, two parents that continue to show their kids love, who continue to prioritize them and who accept everyone involved as family will have happier kids than someone who dwells in anger and bitterness. That is what I have learned watching my parents. Or at least, at minimum, being angry and bitter and hateful and making sure your kids know it sure as hell doesn't help, so I'm going to choose the other path. And being silently angry and bitter isn't really a good option either, kids aren't stupid.

No family is a threat to my child. The child didn't blow up the marriage, the infidelity did. And just like I would go to lengths to make sure my children knew it wasn't THEIR fault if I divorced my husband, I would also never blame this hypothetical child, nor would I let my kids do that, because it would be wrong.

Most certainly everyone would be better off if this hypothetical situation never comes to pass. But if it did, I'm basically 100% sure that divorcing, loathing my husband and acting like his child doesn't exist would make the situation 100% worse, and I just don't see the value in that and frankly if I did that I would be equally to blame in the suffering my children endured. I'm sorry if you weren't strong enough to take that path because the vehemence with which you're fighting all these posters who are taking a more compassionate viewpoint makes me think this strikes close to home. [/quote]

The situation is quite different when a very toxic OW is involved and using the child as a pawn.  No contact is the best scenario in this case.  The children of the marriage come first.[/quote]

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