Reply to what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?

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Reply to "what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I am a child of an acrimonious divorce. So I do have some idea what would motivate me in a situation like this. I agree that I would probably not put my own child's well being in danger but I think it would take a lot to make me believe that bringing more love and family into my own child's live would constitute 'danger'. All of this presupposes that I would work it out with my husband, which I'm not sure I would. But I would, without a shadow of a doubt, show nothing but kindness and compassion and welcome to a child who came into the situation through no fault of their own. And that would, in the end, be what was best for my own child as well. Maybe that manifests when the child visits us, maybe that is for when I see the child at family events I attend post divorce, or maybe it is when I have the child move into the house permanently when my theoretical husband and I work it out. Regardless, my heart is open to an innocent child, regardless of how closed it is to the child's biological parents.

You basically admit in your post here that you believe it isn't natural because it isn't what YOU would do. I am fully aware that people like you exist and it would not surprise me at all to hear about a woman who treated a child born in these circumstances like dirt. It would make me sad but it wouldn't shock me and I wouldn't find it unbelievable. The fact that you can only see your own natural inclinations as 'natural' says more about you than anyone else commenting on this thread. The fact that you don't add this other child to your list of 'innocents' says a lot about you too. [/quote]
You misunderstand, or choose to see this situation through the Lifetime Television for Women lens.  No one said anything about treating the child like dirt or hurting the child.  There is a world of difference between treating the child like dirt and saying to yourself, the process through which this child has come about has damaged my family and my emotional health, perhaps irreparably, and can continue to bring turmoil to my life, therefore I choose to have nothing to do with this child, and limit my contact with him or her as much as possible.  The expectation that the wife should love or care for the child her husband fathered outside of marriage, taking time and energy away from his original family and children, is a very odd one indeed. You can be kind to the child on a rare occasion you see him or her. But you don't have to volunteer for it at all, and it says nothing bad about you if you do not. It's not about mistreating the child, it's about not volunteering for more pain.

It is natural that your own children should come first to you.  It is unnatural if they do not. Yes, that child is innocent but so are your own children, and they come first.

You are also being romantic when you describe this through the prism of "bringing more love and family to my children's life."  Why don't you talk to children of the marriage who have been through this? You'll find out that outside children have brought many more things to their life, in addition to "love and family."  [b]Like shock and confusion. Toxic secrets.  Insecurity. Competition. Envy. Embarrassment with peers and relatives.  Loss of respect for the father [/b](for doing this), [b]and for the mother[/b] (for putting up with this.)[b] Bad lessons and relationship risks learned by both boys[/b] (you can treat women this way), [b]and girls[/b] (this is what men do and women must put up with this).  If affairs and outside children result in divorce and breakdown of family for the children of marriage, multiply all of this by five.  It's quite a bit more involved and wretched than the kumbaya chorus you envisage. [/quote]

IMO the things I bolded above come from how the PARENTS deal with this situation when it arises. That isn't seeing things through a 'lifetime movie lens' but I am beginning to think you are just thinking of ways to sound offensively condescending to bring people into these pointless arguments because you're bored.

Scenario: My husband has a child out of wedlock. IMO the choices are not exactly the ones described earlier, for me they would be:

1) Divorce, but treat the child as a true sibling to my child. Welcome them when I see them, treat them with kindness, make them feel like family.
2) Stay together, with a lot of effort and work. Have some type of visitation schedule where I welcome the child when I see them, treat them with kindness and make them feel like family.
3) Stay together, with a lot of work and effort. Be the child's primary home where I would welcome them and treat them with kindness and make them feel like family.
4) Divorce or stay together and the mother decides to keep the child to herself and not allow it regular contact with the father. In this case, I tell my children that this child exists, I don't pretend they don't have a sibling. I don't pretend a human being doesn't exist.

In scenario 1, 2, 4 I feel like you cannot keep the father's infidelity a secret. So the kids get sat down and explained in broad terms what has happened. The conversation is likely emotional, but not accusatory, kids are the focus. Explained what this will mean for them in practical terms.

In scenario 3 they never hear about the infidelity. We 'adopted' a new kid.

Its hard for people on this board to understand this mindset. I see it in all the posts of bitter people in the middle of or at the beginning of or in the aftermath of divorce. But if you divorce with children and you make it your primary goal to get THEM through the process unscathed, which is what should be the case since they are the innocents in that scenario, then they will make it through and learn the right lessons. The right lessons being:

1) Stick up for yourself
2) Forgiveness is important whether you stay or go
3) Sticking up for yourself and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive and don't necessarily mean staying together
4) Children are the most important people in a divorce and their happiness and stability should be the number 1 priority of both parents

In my opinion, treating a sibling of my children like they don't exist or meanly is detrimental to my children's understanding of compassion, family and being a decent human being. That seems to not be the case for you. You misunderstood my post because you seem to think erasing their existence is not treating them poorly. IMO, it is. When I chose to have children with my husband, I chose to be entangled with him and his choices forever. Not necessarily under the same roof, but to an extent we are inextricably intertwined. I will believe that and live that so my children will be happy and well adjusted no matter the state of their parents. [/quote]

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