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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DW doesn't seem to want to have sex anymore. I don't bug her about it- I'd be happy with once or twice a week, but she doesn't seem to want even that. Sometimes she's "not feeling well" or sometimes she's too tired, but basically it just doesn't happen anymore. I love my wife and don't want to have an affair. I don't want to be one of those porn-addicted guys. And I don't want to argue with DW about it like it's wanting her to do more of the housework or something. You can't "make a case" for having more sex. Either someone wants it or they don't, and I want her to want it. I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling like complete crap about myself and I don't want to have a life without sex.[/quote]

9+ years here and counting.   She just is never in the mood, ever. She's tired, not in the mood, too hot, too cold, that time, had a busy week, is going to have a busy week.  The excuses are endless and no matter what logic I use she just refuses.   She's knows how I feel, but also knows that I have no real options since I do not want to not see my kids everyday.  Its been soul crushing to think that you married someone who claims she still loves you, but just has zero interest in sex.  I'm growing more and more depressed and bitter and its hurting the rest of my life as well.  I've asked her to see a doctor, she doesn't see the point.  I asked this weekend if she even wants to be married to me anymore.  She was shocked i even asked that and told me she loved me. When I told that this just isn't normal and that people that love each other have regular sex she told me - "You don't know that.  I haven't asked my friends but I don't think they would think its odd".  And its not just intercourse, its anything.  I have no idea what to do anymore and I'm just growing more and more despondent every day.  [/quote]

Woman here.  Female friends I've known who sound like your wife do indeed like being married to their husbands.  They like the stability.  They like that the husbands are good providers.  They are friends with their husbands.  But they're not attracted to them.   They make excuses, but the main issue is that they just aren't sexually attracted to their husbands.  Some end up having affairs.  Some just fantasize about other men.

Sorry to say that.  It's my impression.  I think it's normal to have ups and downs when it comes to libido, but [b]when a woman consistently has no interest in her husband over a long period of time and there is no medical issue (like recent serious illness or serious depression), it's because the woman just isn't interested in her husband in that way.[/b]  That doesn't mean she wants a divorce because she still likes the stability.  [/quote]

This is behind more sexless marriages than probably any other factor.  It's basic biology.  Monogamy isn't easy for either sex, but it can be even harder for women.  Women are wired for variety.  For species survival, multiple sexual partners insures that more females produce healthy offspring.  It also explains why women are more sexually attracted to so-called alpha-types who may be more likely to pass on those genes needed for healthy, strong, offspring, but choose less aggressive, more stable providers for marriage.  In the end, whether she admits it or not, the wife will usually get bored of the husband.  She may fantasize about other men instead, whether it's some mystery fantasy man or a former boyfriend who really rocked her world, or she may just be able to switch that part of herself off, content to be asexual.  There is really very little a husband can do to change this.  He can try various strategies to make himself more attractive to her, and may even see some slight improvement, but he's fighting an uphill battle, because the one thing he can't do is be another man.  Unless a woman takes ownership of this fact there isn't a whole lot that can be done.  Like any other problem, until you admit that there is one, you'll never find a solution.  What that solution is, only she can say.  There is no cookie cutter fix to this.[/quote]

You are an idiot. There is no hard wiring for women to seek out variety more than there is for men to seek variety. The case can actually be made for the opposite more.[/quote]

I'm the PP that PP is responding to.  I disagree that it's an issue of variety.  I think PP kind of misses my point in that regard.  The issue isn't monogamy.  The issue is that the woman just isn't sexually attracted to her husband but likes him as a husband for many other reasons -- earning potential, stability, calm demeanor, genuine friendship.  The problem is that while the woman may like or even love her husband, she isn't sexually attracted to him (or is no longer sexually attracted to him), but she doesn't want to admit it.  So she deludes herself and her husband that she just isn't as interested in sex anymore or that there is something else -- there must be something else -- wrong.  That's why you see the posts from men who say at first she said it's chores, then it's kids, then it's the job, then it's something else, but as much as he does to relieve those other things, the problem never gets better.  Not necessarily in all, but in many cases (at least what I have observed from women I know and what they have told me), the real problem is they just aren't sexually attracted to their husbands.  What leads me to that conclusion?  The way they talk about other men or fantasize (men they know IRL or men in the movies).  It seems clear to me that they have a sex drive.  It's just not their husbands that get it going.  But in all cases, they swear up and down that their slim to nil sex life with their husbands is because of low libido.  I don't even think they're lying to their husbands.  I think they're lying to themselves.  The problem is that the husband then bends over backward to watch the kids, help with chores, and so on and so on.

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