Reply to Men: Would you date a woman who did not have a "real job"?

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Reply to "Men: Would you date a woman who did not have a "real job"?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The thing is that you are trying to distill this to a single question, and it's a lot more nuanced than that. Jobs are an outgrowth of education, which is an outgrowth of background and family expectations. This thread shows that people conflate background with ambition, and it is my experience that men may not care about the level of ambition (and in fact, may prefer a lower level of ambition), but they do care about shared background and education in the mother of their children.  Yes, I'm a woman, but I also have a husband, who is very open that my education and intellect were a key reason why he married me - because he wanted his children raised by someone with these qualities. Background sets expectations of how things ought to be done, and shared expectations of important things are a huge success factor for marriages.  And while we'll never know why the PP's husband thinks their marriage works, I'm sure he wouldn't swap her for someone who is just as nice an affectionate but didn't go to college at all. [/quote]

See, I think at the end, its you who is conflating two issues. I am sure your husband did think your intellect was attractive and he valued it. I think you're drawing from that fact that he specifically cared about whether you went to college and you two had a shared background and family expectations. Its the latter point that strikes me as much more of a female perspective than a male perspective, and I think you might be mapping on to your husband. If your husband had met you at a bar while you were working as a waitress, but on your first date you came across as sufficiently intellectual to hold an enjoyable conversation with you, I am skeptical he would have broken it off if it turned out you had a different educational background from him or were not seeking a professional job.[/quote]
Well I know what he says, so you'll have to believe me that I am relating it as accurate.

Of course it is possible to find intellect in a waitress without a college degree. Statistically, it is less likely than finding it in a someone with graduate degree.  It is also statistically more likely in someone who comes from a MC/UC family.  You are describing a unicorn of a situation where a waitress who comes from a disadvantaged background with no formal education suddenly turns out to be an intellectual giant conversant in the world affairs. It is possible but statistically very unlikely, and even if a person like that existed, marrying them would still come with more challenges than marrying your own.   And I do know with absolute certainty that if being a waitress was what I expected to do for the rest of my life - no matter how intellectual - we would have never married. Never. (Dating is a different story).  How can a waitress with no college degree and no expectations of herself raise educated children and instill the importance of education in them? Why would you gamble with this? On an off-chance that she just might turn out to be an Einstein-caliber gem?

You may be a younger person who is focused on looks and personality.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But as I age, the importance of shared backgrounds and similar family expectations  is becoming so much clearer.  If you approach marriage with a cool head, as you should, you will see that shared expectations of how things ought to be make family life much easier.  Yes, looks and personality are of course important, but it's just as easy to find in a person with similar background and family values.   It's very hard to break off from the influence of family and childhood; it's much easier if this is working for you than against you.  And it is doubly more important for a woman to pass that test because women shape households and children.  This is how I am raising my son and daughter.  We marry future mothers and fathers of our children, not just someone fun to date.[/quote]

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