Reply to No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.

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[quote=Anonymous]Dear OP:

Huge red flag with your statement in bold. Your marriage will forever be pitiful if your underlying beliefs are that: 1) hes not the right person for you and 2) he got lucky due to timing. These statements are "stories" and are not rooted in reality. Reality is: you met and married this man and your immediate feelings about him have changed based on his actions, or lack thereof. You feel resentment and bitterness and are allowing these feelings to dictate your treatment of him and shape your entire view of your marriage.

This is not to say your feelings are not valid. On the contrary, they are, but just realize them for what they are: feelings. They come and go. Some stay around longer than others.

Now that thats out of the way, the best way to sort through emotional issues is to deal with the facts. The facts from what your have stated in prior posts as I understand them are:
1) Your husband's ambition or confidence levels have dropped from prior years 
2) you handle most of the decision making/responsibilities for the household 
3) your career and earnings > husbands
4) your husband struggles with a disability

These facts make you feel: lonely, bitter, disappointed, unappreciated, fearful for the future. Ok.

Truth of the matter is, you may need to carry the family for a few years.  I do not know your husband so I cannot speculate what his issues are, but as his wife, there are some things exclusive of marriage counseling you can do if you want save the quality of your marriage:

1) Remember that you made a promise to love this man, through the good and bad times. Right now, for him, he may be going through somethings internally that he cannot (or does not) articulate well. As a middle aged man myself, I can attest to that. He may need encouragement and space to figure it out. Or he may need counseling on his own. Whatever the case, coming at him with love would get you a lot farther with him then by treating him like your 4th child. Even if he is acting like one. It will, at the very least, remove one barrier of communication which could help you guys sort through your issues. At the most, he may respond positively.

2) Put chores and responsibilities on paper.  Sit down and write out all of your family chores and responsibilities.  Then discuss who primarily does what and see where changes can be made to help ease the burden. This will need to be done without judgment (meaning: no complaining). Visually seeing the delineation of responsibilities will be very eye opening for both of you. Building better structure generally helps improve the performance of procrastinators. This will help build structure to the way your household is run and it will help both of you understand your expectations.

3) If your husband is struggling with pursing his goals or with his career, ask how you could be helpful to your husband.  For a lot of men, disappointment in career/future goals results in lower self value and worth.  You may be able to help arrange a life coach or some other form of paid assistance. Or you could simply be a thought partner in helping him work through challenges. Yes, I understand you have three kids. Sometimes we have to do these things for the better of the marriage. Two high functioning parents are better than one. If one has to carry the other for a time to help them get on their feet, it would be good for all in the long run.

4) If not doing so already, actively work to date your husband. Sometimes life becomes a constant running machine with kids. You may need more time alone to rediscover why you love each other. Or at the very least, to find opportunities to increase the frequency of when you enjoy each others company.

[/quote]

OP here.  I want to say thank you for your insightful and thoughtful comment and response. I almost teared up reading this because what you say and advise is very true.  Maybe I need to step back here and try a different approach that is more patient and methodical. I tend to feel trapped in a whirlwind of running the household, working, paying bills, and dealing with responding to all of DH's criticisms and frustrations (and dare I say interference in the process). I do feel like he is often working against me as opposed to being on the same team. I want him on my team, and I want to be on his team. But there comes a point when decisions need to be made, bills need to be paid, and I have to just take care of it and move on.  I do think your insights about being a middle aged man in a situation with disappointment in career/future goals is part of the problem. Many of his peers have gone on to get higher degrees and higher paying jobs, including peers he used to mentor. I feel like he resents me on a lot of levels because I am capable of doing it all (and then some) while he struggles with really basic things. He cannot multitask at all. He can barely function without an unusual amount of hand holding and guidance. What I can do in 5 minutes takes him 30.  It may have worked while he was younger and had fewer commitments and family demands/expenses.  Maybe he is just overwhelmed by it all, and shuts down.  So status quo wins out.

I have said it over and over again, that he is a good guy.  Loyal.  Not a cheater. He is committed to me, our family, marriage, children. I know I should be grateful for that, and I am.  If he wasn't, i would have left LONG ago.

I have been trying to shake him up, but maybe your approach is the better way to get to the heart of the problem and come up with a solution.

Thank you again.  This has been so helpful.  It gives me faith that there are nice, non-judgmental people out there.[/quote]

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