Reply to If you decided your husband was no longer "winner" material, would you divorce him?

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Reply to "If you decided your husband was no longer "winner" material, would you divorce him?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is a big difference between a couple that goes into marriage knowing full well their spouse expects them to be the sole or primary breadwinner, and the couple that winds up in the this situation unwittingly. I wouldn't see a problem with the former; the latter is a recipe for discontent in a marriage. Sure, stuff can happen -- death, disability. But thinking you were entering a partnership of earning and winding up with eveything on your back -- that's something else altogether. I don't care if the non-earner is male or female. Same issue in my book.[/quote]

You can definitely decide *together* that one spouse SAH while the other is the breadwinner.  That's what happened in my marriage.  But, I agree, that it needs to be a joint decision.  I can't imagine making a huge decision like that w/o the input and support of my spouse.[/quote]

I view a partnership as fluid.  There were no "rules" for us as far a earning potential goes.

-I had my first child and thought I wanted to go back to work. Baby came and I could not part with my baby. Though it was financially tough, my DH fully supported my desire to be at home. WE scaled back and made it work.
-I returned to work after 2 years because I felt OK leaving my child and was feeling more confident as a mother. My income quickly ramped up.
-After me working for a few years, my DHs job got miserable. THe poor man was so stressed out. He hated his job, his boss, he got backstabbed and went into a very dark place. It tore me apart to see my DH so miserable, but his sense of duty kept him going. Once day I could no longer see my DH suffer. I said FUCK THEM. Go in tomorrow and quit. Tell them you are the fuck out of there. He was shocked. He never considered quitting, he was "the man". However, my man's job was killing him.  The next Monday he rolled in and put in his 2 weeks. It was such a relief.  He took a month off from work, banged out a bunch of projects and really recharged himself. I was so proud and happy to give my DH the opportunity to walk away from his job and to carry the family for awhile while he recovered and found happiness again. He was back to work at a new 8 weeks after quitting.
-Now, I'm considering taking a "break" and starting my own business. For that my DH will have to carry the load while I get on my feet. He fully supports me.

[b]So again, I do not see these roles are ridgid. They are fluid and we adapt as life happens.[/b][/quote]

NP here. This is fine and my expectation as well, but both people have to be willing to adapt and make the best of a situation. There still has to be give and take, it can't all pile up on one person alone.

My DH is unemployed right now and he's making me crazy. He's applying for jobs, but not doing networking or anything and despite him being home, I still take care of everything else plus I now have the stress of being the sole breadwinner. I cannot carry all of us alone and keep DH's spirits up. Looking for a job is so hard, but he's not making any effort to be positive or help out in other ways. I'm burned out. If he was using this time to work on projects, go out and network, was stepping it up at home a bit so I'm not coming home to even more work (at least put his damn lunch and breakfast dishes in the dishwasher), it'd be easier. But he's not. And I'm so damn tired and starting to get resentful. I feel like I married a partner and now I have another child.

He's a great father, but he's a Fun Dad. The discipline and background drudge is left to me, even more so now that he's in such a slump. Which is causing issues since he's now around more than I am. DC needs discipline, I need help with juggling parent teacher conferences, packing lunches, doc appts, making sure forms get taken to school, etc. Same thing with running our home. I do the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning, the bill-paying, etc. He does do laundry. But he did that before too. I was fine when he first got laid off, but nothing has changed. He hasn't adapted. I had the more flexible career of the two of us, so I was point on the kid/home-front, now, I've had to step it up at work to bring in more money and I'm STILL point on kid stuff and home stuff.

I'm ok with being our roles being fluid, sometimes I'm the point person at home, sometimes I'm the breadwinner, sometimes we're about even, but this situation, where I'm doing it all and there's no end in sight, isn't working. I need to see effort from him. [/quote]

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