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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP.  How do you tell him?  I think you make two things clear.

1. What you just said about confidence in him.  You trust him and his judgement, etc.
2. You only have the mental space for so much decision making.  He needs to bear the burden of some of it.  Divvy it up.  Treat it like you would household chores, with a list of responsibilities for each of you.

This can all be said in a way that makes him feel strong, not bullied.[/quote]

Are you a man?  I'm asking because I asked that question in the context of our sex life, which has not been good.  Not as frequent or satisfying.  He's no dummy and he's noticed because, as I said, I am a horrible faker (and reallly, that should be a good thing, yes?).  When I get asked point blank if I'm not turned on by him anymore, it's the one time I get good at faking real quick.  How can I say well, yes?  And here's why I think that's happening?  Believe it or not, I am not some bitch out to emasculate my husband.  I love him.  He is a great person, and I don't want to hurt him.  But there it is.  All of the things I've articulated here are killing my desire for him.  And we are too young for that shit and have way too much of the future before us to just let that dog lie.

Now I know someone will suggest couples counseling.  ;)  [/quote]

Not a man.  I wasn't answering about your sex life but about his habit of letting you make all the decisions.  Doesn't matter, because it sounds like the sex problems stem from all the other stuff.  If you fix the other stuff (his complaining, passivity, etc.), the sex problem should take are of itself.  And by "fix the other stuff," I don't necessarily mean that he does all the changing.  It will take both of you-- your DH changing some things and you changing some things (maybe just your perspective a bit).

I know that whenever my husband and I are in some kind of rut or downward spiral-- or even when there's just a specific issue that we can't get past-- I express what I need from him very clearly but couched in loving, generous language.  When I shoot from the hip, all the negative stuff comes out first and by the time I'm ready to say something kinder or put it in the context of my love and appreciation for him, he's already upset and tuned out.  So I start by setting a loving context, talking about how much I value him, our life together, the specific character traits he brings to the table, etc.  I tell him in clear language what I want or need from him but framed in how it's good for us, our family, and for him because I want him to be happy.  He loves me, loves our family, is devoted to us.  I'm not faking it when I say these things and making the effort to do so (even if I'm having a hard feeling it when I start out) actually reminds me that all of this is true.  I've also learned that even when he doesn't respond positively during the conversation, he takes in what I've said and it's reflected in his actions within a few days.

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