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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]15:14 here – OP, your DH is clearly in some sort of rut as others have also noted.  But why?  OP, you sound like a lovely person (I mean that seriously) and it may be that your hard work and success is intimidating to him.  You seem to have been able to conquer your challenges and are continuing to be successful - which is awesome.

But deep down, he may feel emasculated in a way - that he is not the 'provider' for the family; that he is not the strong presence in the house who can solve problems, fix things, etc.  It's no one's fault (and don't feel ashamed).  It's difficult for many men who are trying to be supportive and understanding (more than our fathers), yet also trying to figure out how to "still be a man" in a very different reality than the world we grew up in.  In fact, he may be ashamed with himself that he just can't get things going in the right direction and this has spilled over into your family life (he can't make simple decisions like what's for dinner) and definitely into the bedroom.

Your attempts thus far to be supportive and encouraging, to stroke his ego are more than admirable.  I think we all realize that fine line you're trying to walk - not to be bitchy and nagging yet trying to gently push and nudge him forward.  But we men don't do subtlety well. It's directness (not bluntness or meanness) that works - and maybe it needs to come from someone else (if he has brothers, best friend, etc.) - to tell him to get his shit together and restart his testosterone engine (BTW - has he checked his T levels?).

in addition to some good advice you've gotten, all I can say is that start with simple things - stuff to get his ego flowing back, to rebuild some of that mojo (confidence) that he seems to have lost. You can’t tackle everything b/c it’s probably just too daunting for him to think of it all and that’s why he’s in this vicious cycle.

maybe workout together  (you “need” his help to get in shape AND you want to spend time with him); tell him you love simple surprises (e.g., he chooses dinner 1 or 2 nights) – and give him props to your friends (and for him to witness); you, for no reason, hold his hand, reminisce about the days when he was courting you (tell him in different ways you love him) – men, even confident men in healthy relationships need to hear that.  But the important thing is not to expect the reciprocity right away – he has to internalize all of this – and hopefully, he breaks out of his funk and you start to see changes.  Then you can incorporate different things - maybe you take him clothes shopping –get him to dress differently so he feels more confident (and maybe you get turned on too), maybe a new hairstyle, whatever.  But together, if he is showing signs of improving, this nudging can help with more substantive break-throughs.

I wish you both the best of luck!

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Thank you.  Really, seriously, thank you for this.  He does feel some of the stuff above, and I know it, and I feel for him.  As I said, I get it - relationships are a hell of a lot different in 2014 then they were when our parents or grandparents were young.  None of us know what the hell we are doing.

And can I ask, seriously - what, in your man's mind, is the difference between directness and bluntness or meanness?  I think I feel I am being direct, but I fear it it is being received as blunt or mean.  Definitely not my intent.[/quote]

Obviously each person is different and without knowing how your DH has taken (interprets or “hears” what you say) your encouragement and advice, it’s tough to say with absolute certainty what would/would not work for your DH – but here’s at least some suggestions.

In terms of being direct, from a woman to a man, what would work (for me) – “honey, when you do X” (just use only one real example so he doesn’t take it as piling on or feel overwhelmed), “it makes me feel (insert some over the top but real feeling/adjective). I just love it when you do that and I can’t just get enough (or something to that effect)”.  In turn, you might ask him something that he would like from you (maybe it’s too soon but if he does hopefully step up and you see some initial changes for the positive, then you can offer something to him that you can do). If that does happen, you can then up the ante a bit (by using another real example of what he can do and how it does make you feel) – but take it slowly, celebrate it, and reciprocate.

I get that you’re having issues in the bedroom, but if he’s able to show some demonstrable positive change, even if it’s only baby steps, showing affection is a clear signal to him that you still do love him (we men are simple creatures after all).

If he’s doing something remarkable and you enjoy it, or celebrating it, don’t say something along the line “now why can’t you apply this at work or some other part of our life” – that will defeat him because all he is hearing is that “he can’t do anything right to please you” because it seems this is the mindset he might be stuck in.

Being blunt should come from another guy – basically a BF/buddy/sibling laying it out “dude, you need to stop X and get your ass in gear”.  If you were to say something like this, it would be taken as mean and hurtful and probably soul crushing.  We can take that from another guy but not from the woman we love – I know it may sound ridiculous to women, but for men, we want our women to put us on that pedestal and we don’t want to be seen or thought of us weak by the DW/GF/SO.  
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