Reply to My niece lives with us and recently got engaged — navigating changing family dynamics.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Due to the circumstances, his parents have offered to cover the cost of their wedding. She has long dreamed of having a wedding, so she plans to go ahead with it. She does not currently want a job, nothing will convince her, and intends to be a stay-at-home mom, which her fiancé supports. Overall, their relationship appears healthy, and they are compatible and get along well, I think they’ll be fine. OP[/quote]

It's weird how every single person in her life is totally fine with her freeloading off them. You, her fiancé, his parents. Why would they pay for her dream wedding?! Why would ANYONE be okay with her not having a job. She DOES understand that parenting is a full-time job, right? [/quote]

Yes, she understands that parenting is a full time job. She just doesn’t want a traditional job. Her fiancé and his parents really like her, and are supportive. My husband and I financially supported her, because we care and she needed help. I think a job would be great, but since she has no education, it would probably be very low skilled in areas like retail, etc, and she isn’t willing to work in those environments, so she currently can’t get a job. But she’s only 19, so maybe things will change in the future. She’s still very young, and figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life.[/quote]

No! She did not "NEED" help. She wanted help, because she is not developing into an adult properly. She wanted to be lazy and avoid responsibility, and you have enabled her. You should apologize to her parents for undermining their efforts to teach her adult skills. The way people figure out who they are and what they want out of life is to TRY THINGS and have EXPERIENCES that teach them. Not just sit around like you are letting her do. You are hurting her.

You should not bring her on vacation or allow her to bring her fiance. If she wants a vacation she should plan and pay for it herself. Because that's the kind of thing a SAHM, and everyone, needs to learn to do. [/quote]
There were no other viable options. Her parents made every effort to encourage her to get a job and ultimately gave her a final choice: find employment or move out. Even then, she chose not to pursue a job. Without support, she would have been left with nowhere to turn aside from potentially relying on strangers, which was not considered a safe or stable situation. She has made the personal decision that she wants to marry, be a stay-at-home mom, and be financially supported by her husband. That is the adult life path she has chosen for herself, and not everyone chooses to live the same path, and can be forced to change their mindset as an adult (she is 19, so she can change her mind later). OP[/quote]

FFS. It's your job to help her understand that "choosing" to be supported by her husband carries certain risks and that she may not actually have that choice. Her choices now have consequences long-term that you need to help her comprehend.

If she'd rather live in a homeless shelter than get a job, something is very wrong here. And it's your job to help her grow up, not enable her to be a perpetual child. [/quote]

Agree. I know many stay at home moms but they have all had jobs and lived independently, supported themselves, etc. Some never got past entry level job and several roommates in a crappy apartment, but they nevertheless supported themselves. Others were lawyers, consultants, etc. who planned on being working moms but for whatever reason, decided to stay home. What I don't know is any SAHM who lived as a child/teen right up until getting married and literally never had any job or lived independently. I also worry her fiance is not going to respect her down the road. I know you mean well, but I think you are doing her a real disservice, OP.[/quote]

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