Reply to S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget. [/quote]

Did you post about this at the time? This sounds familiar and I remember being so annoyed at that MIL, as I am again upon reading this post. So clueless and self-obsessed.

OP of this thread, I encourage you to trim where you can and give up some of the feeling of responsibility for the grandparents’ happiness. You count too. You matter too.

[b]I wonder if the previous generation really had it the same. Were their parents really expecting to be so involved in everything, did they insist on so much attention and inclusion?[/b]

People who are retired cannot expect others to fill up their now-emptier dance cards. The PP who said her retired parents live two hours away but expect her to visit at least once a month, even though she has elementary-aged kids and works full time—her parents sound incredibly selfish. And I hope she pushed back and doesn’t go once a month, when she’s invited her parents to come stay with her. [/quote]

No, no they did not. I had this discussion with my own parents (not local so the relationship is different) after yet another frustrating school open house right before school started this year. At these things, you can drop off your kids’ school supplies, see their classrooms, introduce yourself to the teacher, sign up for the PTA in the lobby, etc. It’s crowded. There are all the school kids there plus parents, and sometimes younger siblings especially in the younger grades. We don’t also need grandma grandpa great uncle Bob and retired Mrs. Larla from down the street there with every family, taking up room in the classrooms that are already crowded with 28 4th graders, never mind their parents.

Despite being local and one set being retired, I didn’t think my grandparents would come to anything like that when I was a kid. I have no memory of them at my back to school nights, or daytime recitals/concerts or assemblies or even most evening kid events. And my parents said as much! The Greatest Generation and older Silent Gens were DONE. Going to a kid’s mid-day whatever would have cut into bridge club or coffee at McDonalds or Bible study! Plus one set of grandparents was younger and was still working until I was in middle school anyway. Visiting was for weekends. They didn’t particularly want to be included in little kids stuff. [/quote]

Really? My grandparents were the ones at every mid day school event because they were retired and could be there while my parents were working full time. Such fond memories for me. Now, we live far away from our kids’ grandparents so someone is only at these endless midday school events if one of us takes off work to be there, which usually involves at least a half day if not a full day given forced full time in office. My grandparents were the best. They took us on sick days so my parents could work, teacher work days as my mother was a teacher, driving us to after school activities. I would kill for the set up my parents had. [/quote]

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