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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** [b]Stay married!!![/b] NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly [b]baby-proof your house [/b]so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of [b]modern parenting trends[/b] so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

***[b] Get a hearing aid[/b] when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** [b]Don't move somewhere remote[/b] and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have [b]good sleeping arrangements[/b] so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough [b]water heater[/b] for everyone to shower.

*** Be [b]flexible about scheduling[/b]. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** [b]Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friend[/b]s, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** [b]Food should be good[/b] but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.[/quote]

Great list, PP.  I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair.  This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health.  Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy.  Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot.  Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car  there.  If we stay at a location for a longish time -  my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order.  Be equal and equitable with all kids.  Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied.  You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance.  What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear.  I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house.  My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family.  Especially during holidays.   Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait. [/quote]

To summarize the two posts above:

1. Have lots of money
2. Spend lots of money on your grown children and bend your life to their preferences 
3. Don’t ever show that you may need something from them.  Only they are allowed to take.

The life of my dreams!

[/quote]

I am the person who added to the first list.  I am the parent, not the adult child.  However, I am a generation (gen X) who  have looked after my parents and ILs (silent generation) because they were the most loving parents and ILs.  They did their best for us, gave us a college education, paid for our modest wedding and did not ask us anything for their retirement. We still ended up having to shift them to apartments, fixing their homes, sorting out paperwork, having to find people to take care of them...surgeries, death, funerals.

Seeing their decline -  I started to make a mental check-list for my own self.   
1) We must be financially self-sufficient and have plans for our own decline.  We must have enough insurance for all kinds of situations. 
2) Become minimal and get rid of stuff. Do the Swedish Death Cleanse. 
3) Enjoy travel and vacations.  Let kids and family come to your vacations because that way you keep seeing them.  (of course, if you have money).
4) Not have things that need taken care of - pets and plants. 
5) Keep children appraised of your paperwork etc.  Make wills. 
6) Must keep healthy.  Must exercise to not have falls in old age. Exercise, eat right, catch symptoms in time etc.

What do I need from my kids?  I do not need their constant companionship because by making my home comfortable and not putting demands on them - they already love to come home.

Do I need my kids to make meals for me?  Not unless I am ill or sick.

Do I need my kids to pay my bills?  No.  I am financially better off than them because of my inexpensive home and my fat pension.  We are also very forward-thinking about adapting to new technology etc and careful about being scammed.   So we pay our own bills.  Once the house is paid off, and the kids are on their own, you do not spend as much.  Most of our money goes towards maintaining home, yard,  healthy lifestyle, socializing and travelling.

When I am that feeble that my kids need to make decisions for me - I have already done footwork for them.  And then whatever they decided...I do not care.

Exactly what do I need from my kids that they will not give me?   I am available to be helpful to them with childcare.  Why would they not use that if we are not scums?

I cannot be a terrible mom or grandparents and then expect my kids to be devoted and filial. They learn by example.  I cannot raise kids who did not launch successfully to financially look after themselves and  their own families. 
[/quote]

I am the person you are responding to, and I agree, in principle, with your points 1-6 (I am Gen X too).  [b]But here is the rub - lots of it is not compatible with the demands of many adult children here.[/b]  Saying yes to minimalism and staying independent to the max means a compact apartment in a highly walkable place (we are in NYC), which also means a sofa for you and a playpen for for your baby as a crib when you visit. And you better learn to manage your SUV sized stroller on the subway or bring a compact one..[/quote]

What adult kids are making these demands?  I have not seen adult kids making demands in our circles.  Maybe it is because we are immigrants and our children are not entitled?

My concept of minimalism does not mean a compact apartment for us.   It means that we start reducing our possessions while still living in our SFH in DMV, where we have raised our kids. We are making modifications so that we can age in place for as long as possible.  Which means getting rid of extra stuff.   It also means that we are able to have family visit us in comfort.

Even if your compact apartment can only allows for a sofa and a playpen...NYC offers so much in terms of hanging out with your children and grandchildren.  [/quote]

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