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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger.  Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum.  She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming.  In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time.  And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know.  The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part?  Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person.  I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us.  This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again?  That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?"  and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night.  And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever.  I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch.  But it was so nice, and so surprising.   It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month.  She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us.  But that was nice. [/quote]

My ADHD DS went through a period where he reacted to me in a physically aggressive manner and said mean things.  It seemed to bother him if I stayed calm - like he was interpreting my calmness as a lack of care.  At a quieter time, I said to him, "Hey, it's understandable that you got very upset the other day, but physical aggressiveness and speaking meanly aren't OK.  I don't treat you that way, no matter how angry I might be, and I expect that you won't treat me that way, although I also respect that you might be angry and tell me things about the way you feel that might be upsetting to me.  I didn't punish.  I didn't say it in an angry tone.  I didn't demand any response.  DS was able to dial it down, and I think he actually respected me for saying something to him.  It wasn't all sweetness and light after that, but he took an SSRI for awhile, which helped, and eventually grew out of the aggression in college, when he had more space and independence and a life that was more interesting and doable to him, and after I demonstrated consistent connection and support and respect over a long period of conflict.

You can say something without the kind of punishment that some PPs suggest.  In general, I never found punishing or shaming to be effective tools because some ADHD kids feel things really deeply and struggling with emotional control.  [/quote]

OP here and I do have almost these exact conversations at other times with DD, when she is calm.  I've learned in the past that it's counterproductive to react with any emotion to the behavior, to shame, or to react with a consequence when she's already upset. [/quote]

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