Reply to Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I stopped reading after only a few pages. I'm a DIL, so here's my perspective: when my FIL (widower) remarried a widow, his kids were in their mid-20s-30s (us, with 3 kids already, aged 7 months - 7 years), and her kids were 12-early 20s. He kept saying he wanted to come see us (45-minute drive) and missed our kids so much but 2 of his wife's kids were still home (aged 12 and 14), and he didn't want to leave them alone for a weekend or even an overnight. He ultimately only came to us (or my SIL) when his wife and her daughters were out of town. Finally, my SIL told him that she's not his back-up plan, and if he wants to see her, he needs to come even if his wife won't/can't because of her kids. He has effectively stopped going to her (because he always prioritized his wife and her kids) and they have a strained relationship. He barely came to us, and now that he wants to come over, our kids are ages 12-20 and want to spend their time with their friends, not their grandfather.

The point of this is to say, unless you make your kids and grandkids a priority NOW, it will soon be too late, and no one will make time for you. My husband and I agree (in spirit) with his sister that we are not the back-up plan, although my husband does allow his dad to come over when his wife is out of town (her kids are all grown and in FL; we are still 45 minutes away from my FIL, in the DC area). I have stepped out for other reasons, but they do include the fact that he doesn't prioritize his own family over hers.

When they visit now, we keep it short and the kids only come see them when it's convenient; if they are doing homework, that takes precedence, since FIL never made time for them.

The Cats in the Cradle song isn't only a song; it's a realistic timeline of what can happen if you don't make time for your kids.[/quote]

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