Reply to Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission. [/quote]

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.[/quote]

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution.  I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers.  But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce.  But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own.  Which I will do.  It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

[b]I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally.  That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women[/b].[/quote]
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Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.[/quote]

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me.  And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance).  But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking.  But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

[youtube]https://youtu.be/bUmKUWzbDxg?si=4xQkRe3A24pX6B45[/youtube]

[/quote]

People here are cruelly piling on OP.

That is how DCUM threads go, OP.  Once the dominant tone of comments is established, most people who comment agree with it.

OP, it's good that you're asking the questions you are.  You've gotten a lot of scorn but not a lot of advice.

If you can't figure out what to do next, then maybe just ask your kids outright what events and activities would be most meaningful for you to participate in.  Then pencil in some of those.  I lived 4 hours away from my parents and college boyfriend during my early working years.  And I made a lot of car trips back.  A trip of that length is relatively easy to fit into a schedule.

Also don't use the word "abandoning" to characterize a couple doing things separately on a weekend.  There are lots of couples who have loving relationships but a lot of independent hobbies.

If you just start making a few more trips, it will probably help relationships.

Another thing to mention...don't try to buy kids' affection with random presents.  Try to learn their personalities and interests and ask their parents before buying expensive or large gifts.  E.g., don't show up with a Big Wheel because you felt like it.  And follow the house rules.  My dad was bad at that and we were concerned he was not safety-minded enough because he did not respect our house rules regarding what was age appropriate.[/quote]

I appreciate your constructiveness.  It’s weird to be simultaneously be accused of being a terrible person and of being a troll.  I think that anyone who draws this much scorn should be deemed a non troll in summary judgment.[/quote]

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