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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell  they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry [/quote]A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt.  You could see her underwear.  They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found.  Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings.  :roll: [/quote]

I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.[/quote]

If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.  [/quote]

They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time![/quote]

You sound incredibly petty.  [/quote]

I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.

Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?

Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?

Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.

They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents. [/quote]

Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.[/quote]

Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad.  Here is the number.[/quote]

I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.[/quote]

No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent.  You are the problem.  [/quote]

The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.[/quote]

Back off and let him figure it out.  If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out.  I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him.  And, do some of the activities near his house. [/quote]

Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine.  Meds need to be supervised by an adult.  I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests.  If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed.  Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.  [/quote]

And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities.  If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic.  Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad.  Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal.  Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.  [/quote]

There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities.  Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement.  Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports.  Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).  [/quote]
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time.  In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex.  It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.[/quote]

If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad.  A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities.  This mom is petty and unreasonable. [/quote]

This is absurd.  In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities.  "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving.  This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support).    It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert.  Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives.  He is a liability.  The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage.  Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions.  They know who butters their bread.  The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them. [/quote]

There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved.  Child support may not be appropriate.  [b]If mom is the sole decision maker [/b]and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them.  Simple.  You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.  [/quote]
Mom isn't the sole decision maker.  The kid asked to to the activity.  It's about the kid, not the mom/ex.  That's where you're so so wrong.  And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid. [/quote]

If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.  [/quote]

You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent.  This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent.  It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.  [/quote]

You can if both parents work together and cooperate.  If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.  [/quote]
And dad is stepping in to help when Mom has a transportation conflict?  Oh no, of course not.  That's dads free time.

I still remember that my best friend wasn't allowed to try out for the high school musical with all of her friends because the show dates were on her dad's weekend.  He lived in town and there were no logistical issues.  He just didn't allow her to do activities on "his time."  That also meant she couldn't play sports, even rec sports.  Fortunately the marching band director let her miss on her dad's weekends, but that left a hole in the show.  It was just stupid since he lived 6 minutes away.

There's not some grand conspiracy where moms are signing kids up for activities at times to inconvenience dads.  Activities are scheduled how they are and either the kid signs up or not.  I think many of these posters are thinking of little kid activities that are flexible and not older kid activities where attendance is mandatory and kids want to be with their friends.  Activities are a huge social thing.[/quote]

And, that's a parent's choice married or divorced.  You are making up stories and situations that aren't relevant to this post or topic.  I know lots of kids in married families who are not allow activities.  It just how it is.

If Dad only has two weekends a month, really 4 days, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your child and not have them in activities where you don't interact.  Really, if it's every other weekend, it's basically 2 days for two weekends a month.  Imagine if you could only see your child Friday night through Sunday.  You wouldn't be to happy with that would you?[/quote]

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