Reply to Can a 16yo watch a 12yo overnight, every night?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

[b]Did OP state from what time to what time they'd be watching the younger sibling at night??

If it's from 8pm - 8am every single night, I'd say NO WAY IN HELL.
There is FAR too much that can go wrong (and HAS gone wron during those overnight hours when kids have been left alone.

12 hours is far too long anyway, if that's the case... plus, your older kid will begin to resent you for making them be their unpaid babysitter every single night of their fu€king childhood.

Ask me how I know.

You choose to make these kids, you figure out how to watch them that doesn't include forcing your older child to work every night unpaid and miss out time with their friends.[/b]

[/quote]

Same, pp, same. 
I feel this so much of this. 😕
I totally feel your resentment and feelings of bitterness, and you have every right to feel that way.

I was the oldest of 4 girls and my parents did the same exactthing to us.  
They both took jobs at night (when they didn't have to!).  I was 16 and I was stuck every night inside the house, with my younger siblings who were 14, 12, and 10.  I wasn't being paid to watch them -- it was my "duty".  I had trouble keeping up with my schoolwork, because it was difficult to study and get homework done as I had to stay in the same room as them (OP's kids will be in the same room 99% of the time, too).  Nobody wanted to go to the bathroom alone, because it was nighttime and there could be a killer clown hiding behind the shower curtain.   So anywhere that they went, they forced me to go too as their protector.

I was stressed because I didn't like being responsible for everything.

I had to be the disciplinarian, which I didn't like, they were always ALL over me because it was nighttime and everything is scarier at night, even with all of the lights on.

As a 16 year old, I always had THE worst case of FOMO because my friends would always call or drop by and ask me to go out, and of course I couldn't, but I knew they were all out having a great time.

It was [b]miserable[/b] for me. 🥺

It made me really resentful toward my parents, and even more resentful toward my siblings.  In my immature capacity, I justified that they were the reason I couldn't ever have any fun.

One night, it was really windy and we kept hearing a scratching on the upstairs window.  Every few seconds we'd hear this awful scratching, like someone was trying to break in.   
There were no cell phones at the time, and this was way before they really started pushing advertising for 911. 
We were too terrified to go up and check it out and too terrified to stay in the living room, so we all got under the dining room table and stayed there for 2 hours, while I rocked the girls to sleep... and then it was just me, alone.  Terrified.

When my mother finally came home, she that it was just a branch from a tree hitting the window and basically started mocking me that I was 16 years old and still afraid of what goes bump and scratch in the night. 🫤

Another night, about 5 months later, an electrical fire started in my dad's workshop in the basement and wouldn't you know it, nobody was home but us girls. 
We smelled the smoke, peered down in the basement and saw the flames, so we ran over to our nextdoor neighbor and she baked the fire department.
The firemen came and so did the cops.
The cops asked all of the questions you'd expect, where's your parents? How many hours have you been alone for? How often are you left home alone?  What age did you start babysitting your siblings?

My mom didn't show up for about 3 hours after that and boy did she come in [b][u]hot[/u][/b]!  She started freaking out angry and was yelling at us, asking what *we* did to cause the fire? Which one of us caused it?  Why didn't we stay in the house and put it out ourselves?? Etc.

Sure didn't see the cop who was standing on the other side of the truck, who had also heard it all,  and he went absolutely berserk on her!  He started screaming at her how incredibly irresponsible it was for her to leave us all alone, that the fire started downstairs on our dad's workbench, and there was nothing we could have done to stop it, then he started pointing his finger at her and lecturing her like a child, telling her that there are predators everywhere who watch kids come home from school alone, and they choose a child who doesn't leave the house after getting home and they sometimes watch them for weeks and take notes of the comings and goings of the household, especially the parents.  
If a predator sees that the mother leaves the house at 8pm every Mon, Wed, and Fri like clockwork, and doesn't return until after midnight, then they know that those girls are alone all at night and there was nothing and nobody home to stop him.  The cop told her that she was leading her babies like pigs to slaughter and that SHE alone would be making us an easy target and anything that happened to us would be on her conscious and the fault would lie soley with her.
I'd never seen anyone speak to get like that before... EVER!

He gave her a real come to Jesus speech... but sadly, it did absolutely nothing to change our circumstances.

So, after I turned 18, I went off to college and never moved back home.
I felt really badly for abandoning my sisters, but in all honesty, I needed some space from them too.

My relationship to this day has been strained with my mom ever since, and I too have built up major, toxic, corrosive resentment toward her,  just like you have, PP.

Thankfully, two of my sisters live with us now, and our relationship is so strong, but that took a really long time. 
My other sister lives in Hawaii, so we only see her twice a year (she got about a far away from my mom as possible).
In fact, all of us went to college on the west coast just to get away from her.

I do feel your pain PP, because I can feel your anger throughout your post. 
One piece of advice... you do need to forgive your mother and let go of that. 
Certainly not for her, and you don't even have to tell her that you forgive her, but just do it for yourself and rid yourself of that albatross.
Forgiveness is freeing.

Maybe it would have been better if she haf paid me, maybe not?
I just always felt the same as you... why have kids if you need someone else to raise them?  She could have gotten a job during the day while we were at school (air traffic controllers work during the day, too, OP, that's not a viable excuse why you can't work while they're at school).

I'd think long and hard before doing this, OP.
Sixteen is the age that you're just getting your freedom.  Friends have licenses. More time to hang out and go to places at night with your friends.  If this is a regular thing every week, she WILL begin to resent you.  That's just natural.  Plus, her relationship will change with her sister, as she becomes the parent and your sister starts feeling like she's treated like a baby.

If it's say from 6pm - 9pm three days a week, well the resentments there can be mitigated by allowing her to have fun with her friends on the other days.

Also by 💵PAYING her💵.
If you don't pay her for her time, you'll be setting up all of your relationships for disaster, trust me.

If you don't pay her for her time, you *WILL* be taking advantage of her.  There's no if's and's or butt's about that... and nobody likes to be taken advantage of.

Hopefully you'll find a happy medium.

Good luck! 😊

. [/quote]

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