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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op,

I divorced a similar type of guy. He was overweight (but so was I), and focused primarily on working long hours, spending time in his man cave, listening to records, and going to sleep at 8pm to wake up at 2am and work looong hours. We grew apart. I wanted to go on walks with our dog (never did that), 5k runs (he hates running due to a high resting heart rate), play tennis (he had zero interest).

Now that I’m divorced, I’m dating a guy that enjoys playing tennis, going to the gym together, cooking together, going on trips. He’s not as intellectual as ex DH but is up for doing things and being more adventurous (although not *that adventurous).

So in a way, things improved… but I really miss having a family. I don’t miss ex DH that much because he cheated on me… I don’t miss his workaholic lifestyle, I don’t miss feeling lonely in marriage… but dating is one thing, and having a family is so much harder. So if you did get a divorce, you’d likely find lots of amazing guys to date… but to trust them, to build a future with them, to have stability and settle down with them is entirely different.

I’m so sympathetic for what you are going through… but the grass isn’t that much greener. There’s patches of green but patches of brown, dead grass too. [/quote]
OP here — I don’t think I’d want to remarry. This marriage and all the marriages I’ve seen around me make me very hesitant to ever again settle down with a man. My ideal situation would be a man who loves to travel, try new things, and explore great sex, but has his own place and keeps his drama to himself. I’d be back on the market in a second if he got lazy in bed, started watching sports at dinner instead of talking, started overeating because he’s thought he had me locked down and didn’t need to look nice anymore etc. DH and I would be so done if not for the kids and the effort divorce requires, so I’m never again going to let another man tie me down like this.[/quote]

Pp here. I’m responding to what you said here: “ DH and I would be so done if not for the kids and the effort divorce requires, so I’m never again going to let another man tie me down like this.”

Happiness isn’t just about traveling, great sex, going to nice restaurants, doing a HIIT workout. Your happiness is innately connected to your children’s happiness. If they are unhappy, you’ll be unhappy too. What you describe as an ideal situation is compartmentalization— you don’t want to get remarried, you want to have this spicy relationship, but you ultimately don’t want to share your life with another person, carry their burdens, and so forth. You seem to want the first stage of a romantic relationship, which is entirely ego driven, and not the more mundane aspect of a loving and mature and sacrificial relationship.

My ex DH left me for the very same thing  - he fell in love with a woman that excited him in ways I did not. They connected on all things music, Twitter, concerts and so forth. So much limerance and so little reality. Ex DH is now miserable because he chased that feeling of being “in love” while never wanting to marry his affair partner. He didn’t want to share his life with her. He just wanted the fun parts. She can handle the Costco runs and recalcitrant kids on her own.

Look, I feel for you. You are not in a good place and your husband is not meeting your needs. But you have a family, and that’s priceless. Try everything in your power to communicate your wants and needs. Don’t give up just yet. And if he truly doesn’t love you and doesn’t give a shit about how you feel, then you’ll feel better about a divorce even though it’ll hurt the kids in the short term.

All I’m saying is… romantic or limerant love is ego driven. True love is sacrificial and selfless. Think about what you really want 5 or 10 years from now. Romantic love fades for everyone. [/quote]

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