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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am deeply, mutually in love and feel I have found my person. He feels the same. But he has a young child, and I’d never imagined that I would be with someone with a kid. Taking on the role of stepparent and having his ex be part of his/our life forever seems like too much for me to take on. Keeping his life with me and his life as a parent separate as we have been is starting to weigh heavily and it’s getting close to the time where I need to jump in or jump ship. Every day I agonize over whether I should walk away from the love of my life and break both our hearts (but set him free), or accept the life I must have to be with him. Some days I think it would be crazy to walk away and lose so much happiness, and some days I think it would be crazy to stay and risk so much unhappiness. It feels like the true pivotal moment of my life and I don’t know what to do. [/quote]

How old is the child and have you met/spent any time with them? Do you want kids of your own or had you envisioned a life without kids?

Maybe you can reframe this as the opportunity to love a new person who is an extension of someone you already love. Yes kids add a lot of chaos to life and have to be a priority, but they grow and it’s not like they are a little kid that will live with you forever (barring special needs). And if the ex is involved then you guys should have 50% free time to do adult things, travel, etc. [/quote]

I haven’t met the kid yet, only because I feel very strongly that I didn’t want to become part of their life unless I was in it for the long haul. They’re 4. It’s coming up on 10 months though, so it really is time.

I like kids and have spent a lot of time nannying and babysitting, and having spent far too much time on this website I think I have much more theoretical parenting knowledge than the average childless person. I’d be a decent parent. I never had any strong pull to be a mother but wasn’t against it. I figured it may happen if I met the right person, and it has. From early on I was able to imagine having a baby with him. I have no doubt whether we have kids of our own or not, his child will add a lot of fun and joy and love to my life (in addition to the challenges and frustrations of caring for a little kid).

It’s just..all the complications. Having to be civil/friendly with his ex who is genuinely a mean-spirited person and an irresponsible parent (I’ve seen and experienced it for myself, my boyfriend does not degrade his child’s mother). The fact that I will likely end up loving this child and have no right to make decisions about their life. Jealousy. That we will never be free to live wherever we want. Negotiating holidays for the rest of forever. And probably countless logistical challenges I can’t even conceive of yet. My boyfriend adores me and has truly prioritized my happiness and well-being above all else so far and I have no doubt he will do his best to protect me from any unpleasantness, but there’s only so much he can do and I will have to compromise on my wants and needs. What if I can’t handle it? What if I regret signing myself up for this? But what if I regret letting him be the one who got away because I was too scared?

I can’t see myself finding as good a match for me again. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t, but it makes it hard to walk away. I’m a serial monogamist, dated a ton, and i’ve never once imagined myself marrying any past partners but I figured that was normal for everyone, and you just kind of decide to get married anyway because it’s the right time, they’d make a good parent, it’s a good financial decision etc. A couple months into dating this guy I was like…oh. This is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve never felt so deeply cared for and cherished, or such deep mutual respect and admiration. I’ve never been with someone who made me feel confident that they will always be on my team 100% no matter what. I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s a love that is calm, quiet, and easy. If it felt any less right it would be easier to say for sure the life I’m in for with him isn’t for me and I need to move on.

Goodness, this got too long, but I appreciate being able to get my thoughts out after feeling so alone with this for so long. If anyone actually read this, thank you. [/quote]

How long have you been together? I may have missed this.[/quote]

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