Reply to DD only kid in her friend group not invited

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.[/quote]

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.[/quote]

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

[b]No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).[/b][/quote]

+1 especially the bolded.  My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total.  Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out.  I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover.  F no.  [/quote]

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about [b]having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.[/b]

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.[/quote]

The bolded is absolutely, positively, not okay.  Not at all.  It's not about all the girls being equally close - they know they're not.  Even in my DD's friend group, there are pairs or trios who spend more time together, for various reasons.  There's a world of difference between those natural relationships and kicking kids out of a PARTY because parents don't have the spine to say no to their kids.  This issue actually arose two days ago; we were planning to host DD's friend group for Halloween, pre- and post-trick or treating, and DD asked if two of them could come over early to set up (no, they could not).  Was she happy in the moment?  No.  Did she live?  Yes, and had a great time.

As an adult, I have friends with whom I'm particularly close, and one in particular who is more like family.  I see them on separate occasions and sometimes together, as one does.  What I do NOT do is invite eight girlfriends for a spa day, wave goodbye to five, and do a girls' night with the remaining three.  If I want a night out with my three closest pals, that's a separate event.  [/quote]

+1 It's rude to categorize guests into A List and B List. [/quote]

This was so common at my DC’s k-8 private school. Some parents would invite a bigger group to the party at like the trampoline park and then one group of 5-6 kids would all leave with the birthday kid with their sleeping bags and pillows. So incredibly rude. Just plan a sleep over for another weekend. [/quote]

I'm sorry that happened. That's really crappy. Of course the other kids watching this are going to feel left out. My kids know that every guest should be treated well and equally. How would these parents feel if they were invited to a cocktail party but some guests were invited to the after party while they were led to the door to leave?[/quote]

This happens with some weddings. Everyone is invited to the ceremony but only some are invited to the reception.[/quote]

Wow, that's terrible manners. [/quote]

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