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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why don’t you let Adhd person speak for themselves. They are blaming the people in their lives who have helped them and pointed out flaws so they didn’t have to experience hardship. That is a problem in of itself. If you can’t understand it just be glad you haven’t gone through life with a mentally ill spouse. People who try to help their mentally ill spouses are saints to me. I will stick up for them when someone says they were wrong to not just leave.

And I did give advice. I told them to live more simply and manage their own behavior accepting themselves and trying to grow. And to stop judging what others say and just using their words how best helps them. Not scapegoating or expecting everyone to just give you a pep talk when you made a big mistake that affected their lives. [/quote]

I originally responded to a poster who said she wanted to help and I said that the best help is encouragement because people who struggle often ARE working incredibly hard.

You then continued to step on my initial point which is that a lot of help is Presley just overwhelmed. You haven’t listened to anything I’ve said and instead insisted that I’ve not done enough or done things in the right way.

What you are actually doing is trying to claim for yourself, the helper, the work that people who struggle have to put in. We are emotional burn victims and the pain doesn’t got away, it takes time, trial and error to figure what is our unique strategy for managing.

Yes, we can behave badly at times. That’s on us. You communicate that and you choose is to either leave or be patient. Your choice. But you can’t fix us, we fix ourselves. In the way that works for us. Maybe it’s good enough for you, maybe it isn’t.

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That's ridiculous. You are not an island. People have the right to call out bad behavior and have the right to try to help their spouse. No good spouse would not help their spouse if they had cancer waiting until they helped themselves on this. No good spouse would just leave for one offense. Also people don't just get better on their own. They often need help. It doesn't work that way.

You need to forgive those who "overwhelmed" you and tried to help you. They were just caring about you.[/quote]

Again, you are projecting your own story and assumptions onto me. I’ve never blamed anyone. Only I am stating that the care I was offered didn’t translate into the help I needed.

In my case, the care and help was actually enabling and overwhelming. It was very well-intended and offered in love, but it wasn’t what I needed. And therefore, I had to detach from those relationships. Including my marriage.

I’m sorry for the situation that you are in that is causing you to push back on me so hard. 
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The care, help and enabling I rec’d wasn’t the care and help I needed.

But leaving those relationships and responsibilities worked well.

Ok then. Yes walking away is often better for everyone- spouse, kids, yourself. [/quote]

DP.

Yep, walking away is. Ben Affleck made some similar comment inferring that his wife (Jennifer Garner) was part of the reason he kept failing.

Have similar standards and boundaries for everyone, mentally ill or not. Offer help when asked.

You are not their mother nor their therapist. If they need you to drive them to either of these people. Do. But don't make excuses for people treating you like crap.

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He’s a selfish, immature idiot if he made that comment and never walked it back after his AA completion or treatments. 
She gave him a couple chances to grow up and he would not or could not.

Face it, some people aren’t adults and aren’t capable of caring for others’ needs. So they shouldn’t be married or have kids or in charge of much. They can just play around.

Some get lucky and rich so they can throw money at real adults to play Mommy for them- drive, cook, clean, plan, book things, decide things, raise their children, buy their clothes, keep them on time, maintain their cars and houses. 
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