Reply to I hate being stuck at $230k HHI and feel poor AF

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that OP feels poor because her DH makes half her income.

It is a paucity mentality that comes from not marrying a good provider for a DH. Also, no kids is fine, but, if they do have kids, the mom may not be able to work or take time off because she is the bread-winner.

OP feels poor because she is in a catch-22 situation. I bet she cannot even get out of this marriage because she will have to pay alimony.

[/quote]

There is something to this. I mean, if no kids I think it's less of a big deal. But I have always outearned my DH and it became a real issue when we had a kid because he doesn't pull his weight with childcare but he also makes way less so he's not helping to outsource any of it either. It results in a LOT of resentment because if I'm going to be the breadwinner by a lot, at the very least I expect him to make it easier for me to do my job by contributing more at home. Instead he sets his job up to be as inflexible as possible (I do drop off and pick up on my own three days a week because he claims he has to be in the office by 8am on days he's in the office, and his commute is further so he's never home in time for pick up either) and is totally checked out on a lot of kid-centric tasks like school, camp, and activities.

We actually had a pretty egalitarian marriage before kids and therefore the income imbalance didn't bother me, but I really underestimated how much of the parenting would fall to me by default, and how little he'd do to counteract that. So now I look at his income and it annoys me because I'm exhausted all the time, do so much more at home and with our kid, and yet he fights me tooth and nail on anything that might make my life easier (house cleaners, additional childcare, meal kits, etc.) because he claims we "can't afford it."

Whatever, people on here will tell me "you married him" and I did, but I also think this is a broader problem about men not doing their fair share and it's why, if I had it to do over again, I'd look for a partner who earned as much if not more than me because then when he didn't help at home or with kids, at least I could remind myself that he was an equal partner or even the breadwinner financially, and that's a meaningful contribution.[/quote]

I am a sahm married to a good earner.

As a wohm I was making 1/4 of what my DH was making. Childcare and household planning and logistics inevitably fell on me because in-spite of my DH being a very involved family man (he cooks), he was myopic in terms of what was needed for a smooth running home and for the best interests of the kids. And since I was a lowly paid worker bee at work, I did not have the flexibility to take off at work or wfh as he did.  He had to put in his share of parent duty.

My DH at first threw money at the problem - cleaners, cook, landscaper etc.  But, they also need to be managed. Eventually, even with all of that, there was work to be done at home and things ere stressful. Also, he (and I) had a vision for how life would go for our kids and that was not happening even with childcare.  Finally, he begged me to be at home and I told him that I needed all the outsourcing that was in place and more. And  I was never going back to work ever again in this life. Once, I had my financial security in place - I became a sahm.

Although I had always wanted a career, and it hurt a lot to give up my dream,  I did feel immense satisfaction for my time with my kids and that became my new dream.  I also have made the most of my situation and I would say that I am happy and fulfilled.

I tell my DD to plan wisely so that she can have a career, get married to a high earner and live close to us so that I can help.  I intend to do the same for my future DIL.[/quote]

Heh I'm sure your future DIL can't wait to hear your advice about how she should live close to you for her own good. Your daughter probably loves that advice, too.[/quote]

Hopefully, ds will marry a girl from our culture  and not someone from the culture of DCUM DILs. If he does he too will have wpp.  You cannot protect your kids from all idiocy. [/quote]

Get with the times lady. I come from a very conservative culture and young women getting married now can’t stand their MIL’s and do everything in their power to live far away from them. [/quote]

You are assuming that your very conservative culture is the same as my culture.  :lol:

I am with the times.  Also, very aware of the unequal pay/inflexible jobs/substandard childcare/child's education/household realities that most mothers face in this country.  The kind of childcare, emotional/financial support that is provided by parents to their ACs in our culture is the kind of help that DCUM posters rage that they don't have. [/quote]

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