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[quote=Anonymous]Op, DH and I come from large families and our siblings range the whole span of parenting, from super involved parents who homeschool in order to give their kids a super-tailored education to parents who have a nanny who works 60+ hrs per week, even as the kids are teens because they have demanding, in-person careers.

Guess what? All the kids have turned out kind and hardworking, all have good relationships with their parents. People want to believe their parenting choices are the right ones, but lots of different kids of parenting can result in “successful” kids.

Figure out why attending certain things is important to you, and the make those a priority. Realize that you are modeling for your kids, and maybe that will help you think about what message you want to send.

For example, what is the point of attending every music performance? Of watching every sporting event? If it’s to make your kids feel secure there are other ways of doing that.

This year I attending one of my kids field trips because parents were required for them to participate. I went on another because I was worried about how they were doing socially and it gave me a chance to observe them. My third child begged me to go on one of theirs. I agreed but then an important work event came up, and I had a conversation with my child that I really needed to attend this event, so would they be ok with me not going (my child is 7). They were unhappy but came around and ultimately were fine with it. They had a great time on the field trip without me. They understand that my work is important to me because I talk about it, as does my DH.

They also don’t doubt they come first. I have cancelled work trip when something urgent has come up. I spent seven days in the hospital this year with one.

Finally, is it so bad that your kids build resilience by being disappointed sometimes that you aren’t there? To learn that they don’t always come first? Isn’t that a heathy boundary for them to learn?

I constant feel torn about balance between work and kids, but it’s mostly about what I want to do with my kids, not that I think I am a bad parent for not doing it. [/quote]

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