Reply to Why are old people so scared of assisted living facilities?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.[/quote]

AL is very suitable and OP made it clear her mom is much happier there and wished she moved years ago. I think the issue is not OP having lack of empathy. She wanted her mom to be safe and happy not isolated and miserable. The issue is a lot of our elders bury their head in the sand, and have no empathy for what is to be an adult child with your own kids, illnesses, stressors and see mom miserable and in a bad situation rotting at home. They think hopping to for every emergency is no big deal because they either never it did it for their own parents or they did it with an empty nest and easier life. Once they are at AL it's easier to have enjoyable visits rather than constantly assessing if they can handle their current living situation. The AL will let you know when she needs more support.

People need to age around peers and have peer friends and they need to be doing social activities with those friends. The research strongly supports this. Family are not peers. Yes, we can be PART of their support network, but it not at all healthy for your family to be your only outlet. There is a power differential. Your adult child is never truly a friend because you know the buttons to push and have power. You need to be around peers who force you to keep up the social skills. Plus the more social outlets you have the more you can enjoy family when they visit rather than scare them off with depression, misery, guilt trips, pity parties, power plays, neediness. Social is key. The people I know who live long and happy have many friends and social activities.[/quote]

The remark about our parents expecting the utmost from us yet never having done anything remotely comparable for their own parents is spot on. We visited my grandfather for two afternoons per YEAR. My mom guilt trips me to no end that I moved away from home. Yet she stays with us for 4-6 months per year and I am obligated to spend all my vacations in my hometown. I am starting to see the light now. It’s not fair. Plus she never had a career, worked part time in an easy job, no commute and didn’t facilitate any activities for us as kids. I am getting burnt out from all the stresses: activities, stressful career, sandwich generation. It’s too much, and I am cutting back, not sure where yet.[/quote]

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